Current Adj. To Describe Me

thank·ful  (thngkfl)

adj.

1. Aware and appreciative of a benefit; grateful.

2. Expressive of gratitude: a thankful smile.

At the End of the Day

This weekend has been amazing.
Things just have been falling into place and been being really, honestly sort of like a dream.
I got to be with my best friend all day Saturday,I got the most amazing, beautiful wonderful dress for Winter ball, THANK YOU Grandma:), movie night with Kell and My baby sister,shoe shopping, getting lost in Morgan hill, driving on the wrong side of the road, yelling at stupid cars and screaming at the top of my lungs with Shae, Visiting family- which never gets old, getting another gift from my Auntie, amazing worship and time of fellowship at church.
This weekend has also been hard though. Tough to say the least.

I have been reminded so much this weekend that God does give you hard situations.
Heck, He gives you situations that make you break and fall to your knees.
But in that moment, when everything else fades away and its just you and God, in that instance, you see God's love.
Because, you're not broken.
Well, you are, but who you are made whole in-

 He is not broken.

God has been chasing after my wild heart for 17 years.
I've been obedient sometimes, but most of the time i would rather just try things my own way.
How amazing is it that we serve a God who does not change.
He is faithful when we are faithless. 
Throughout the past few years i have come across people who don't like me, shocking- i know.
But today i really let one of them get to me. They consumed my thoughts. Changed my smile and hurt my heart.
Like a sickness bitterness spreads so quickly.
On my drive home i just started praying. Then quickly called my dear older sister, Aubrey.
Man does this girl shine so bright for Christ.
She reassured me that high school will end and that God is here through everything. She warned me though, that i need to act in a way that is pleasing to God. "dont let anyone say anything negative about you that is not true".
As i walked inside the house i looked into my arms; a brand new dress, high heels and Toms. WHAT do i have to complain about.
Each of the items reminded me of something.
Love- the dress.
Friendship and restoration- The heels.
Kindness when i don't deserve it- The Toms.
God has seriously blessed me with amazing people in my life. Yes, there are people who i would rather not be in the same room with- but at the end of my day who do i want to focus on?
That ONE person or the multiple people God has placed in my life to love me.
This weekend has been amazing.

JOY

I met her two years ago.
The moment i did was the moment i saw the real her.
Ever met someone and just thought, "Wow" ?
Yep, that's how i felt.
She came into our cabin 20 min. after lights out...but lets be clear, we were not anywhere near going to bed- yes, we were that cabin.
I was a Junior. 16 and loud. We all were. The whole cabin was loud.
She comes in with her friend, Summer. They both were sweet. Sweet and gentle. They just asked some questions, just wanted to get to know us.
That is one thing that still to this day amazes me.
She was in college at the time and really could have been doing anything else. But no, she was miles out of the city, no cell phone service, powdered eggs and mosquitoes everywhere. That. is where she chose to be.
Well, the girls threw their various problems at her and Summer. But i held my tongue.
Who was this girl?
Why did she care so much?
Did she really care?
Nope, i can't just poor my problems out on her.
Well the week went on and i sort of tried to avoid her.
People that care, well i am a little scared of them.
Finally with the help of my best friend, i told this stranger about my life.
I poured out my hurt and my fears...
I had nothing to be scared of.
Camp ended and we all went down the hill to civilization. I thought i would never see her again.
Literally 3 weeks later i got a Facebook message from her. She was checking up on me.
She cared.
The next summer i looked up the band for Camp.
IT WAS HER.
Her band was coming.
Thank you Lord.
As we drove up the hill my stomach turned.
Not just because i was car sick, but i was nervous.
Nervous that i wouldn't measure up.
She was, and is, everything that i want to be "when i grow up".
She loves Jesus first.
She is BEAUTIFUL.
She is respectful.
She has great style.
She trusts.
She loves.
So as she came around the corner, i wanted to cry. But seriously people it was only Sunday and i could not start crying then!
That whole week as she sang in worship i just thanking God for her.
By the end of the week i had fallen even more in love with her.
Thank you Jesus, for this girl.
As we left i was just so joyful. She helps me depend of God for joy. nothing else. Just God.
Well i never thought that i would be saying this but i still talk to her.
Shes on my speed dial for crying out loud!
I love this girl so much.
And more than that, i am thankful for her.
I am thankful for her influence in my life.
Junior year was a hard year for me and i am confident that God placed her in my life to show me what joy is.
So this is to you,
this is to all the "pray for me" texts.
the tears at camp.
the laughs.
the boy talks.
the girl talks.
the advice.
the hugs.
everything.
Thank you.
This ones for you, Monique

Laughable

Puppets is how you treat them.
Too high are you expectations.
Drop to their knees to worship,
if the sun is shining- they should be praising.

If something else consumes their mind,
you stand up tall, demand their eyes.

It seems as if they don't care.
That look in your eyes...watch out.
For your wrath; beware.
Revenge for you is worth the lies.
On your tip-toes, does your nose hurt?
So high in the air, watch your step as you are trampling over us.

Comical one would say.
Hilarious they might even shutter.
Your immaturity masked as heartbreak.
Sometimes your ruse is sweeps them under.
The waves of guilt consume their world.
Caught in your undertow; its hard to breathe.

But soon they'll see.
find out this ludicrousness.
Notice your lying tongue and
after all the dark, hurt and lack of love,
We will break out at dawn just like a white pure dove.
And you will be lost- without love.

Just Not The Same

to break a promise.
to be who you claimed not to be.
to talk about me behind my back.
to be fake.

I watch you be this "new you"
I see snap shots of the life you have made.
I get that you want to fit in
I understand you were not happy.

Being this new you, is it working?
Are you happy with the people you claimed once to hate?
How does being two sided feel?
Do you even remember who you were?

I remember the old you.
I wish you could find them.
When you do,
let me know.

"He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says... 


Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, 
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"- JJ Heller 


This song really gets me deep.i LOVE it. 'nuff said.

The Room

Cuddled inside as the wind attacked the shutters
and rain danced across the glass.
Silly story telling, laughs and dreams.
Embracing when we're broken.
Laughing when there is nothing that can crack us.
From then to now.
The holidays to the school nights.
Tears that fall from laughter or hurt.
All the time knowing that we were safe.
Soon this is coming to an end.
Walk up the stairs and everything melts away.
The safety here on Earth that i can't explain.
So many pointless "plans" & long manipulative strategies.
Lists for Christmas and what we want in a boy.
Singing for a reply and make up that looks like death.
Sleeping safe, with love down stairs.
The comfort found at this place is unknown.
Fireworks exploding, swimming in the dark.
Summer sun soaking deep beneath the skin.
Horror films that cast shadows of fear,
Bubble baths that expel all weakness and hurt.
Music in the back yard.
The sound track of our life.
Looking at each other-
Burst of laughter.
Holding you when you cry,
leaning in when i'm scared to look.
Last night tears came.
"Never again, after 8 months"
But they quickly left,
You are not going to change and neither am i.
Accents might change our voice,
But no one can take you- it's just not a choice.

Gifts

Today...This week...This fall...has been tough.
College, Boys, Girls, God, Family, Health, Grades, Rumors. EVERYTHING.
It's just been one thing after another, and yes some of you are thinking, " Wow you sure complain a lot."
But in all honesty i am having that same thought over and over again.
I guess at the moment being happy is just not an option.
Today i got slapped in the face.
I am so thankful for unconditional love because with out it i would be stranded.
Today people said some things that hurt.
Today classes were long and teenagers acted their age.
But today...this week...this fall God has been teaching what the word dependent means.

Noun

1.

dependant - a person who relies on another person for support.

Tonight i had an amazing conversation with someone who i love more than words can describe. 

We poured our problems out like sand on a table. 

Sifting through the hurt,anger and "malice-full-ness" i saw one thing. 

God gives us gifts. 

And to be frank, She is one of them. 

We have a lot in common. 

Good things, and bad things but what is most important to me is that we can have a conversation deeper than how hot a guy is. We talk about big, heavy stuff.

As we came to a conclusion i just realized that God never gives you more than you can handle. NEVER. 

But all through the night there was a topic which i could tell we were both thinking of, but neither of us wanted to bring up. 

August of next year might be too much.  

I am leaving. 

God willing i will be on the East coast. 

That isn't even the same time zone. 

crap. 

I do not think i can handle that. 

But God also tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of it's own. 

Personally, i feel like He was writing that with me in mind. 

Cause, im a worrier. 

As we talked tonight we came to a conclusion, whenever there is a dip in your life- be it a puddle or the Grand Canyon there is always a peek after. God always rescues you and brings you closer. 

Every down has an up that is higher than the last. 

And every day God loves you regardless of what you have done or what you have not done. 

So even though this blog is all over the place and i am sure no one has continued reading this far...let me just say one thing. 

God gives us gifts. You may not know it but i can promise that you are that gift to someone. 

God gives us gifts.

hurt

pain

love

loneliness

tears

smiles. 

God gives them all. 

Worth it

I guess right now i am just confused.
I thought i had everything figured out.
what school i wanted to go to, who i liked, what i wanted to do after school and why i wanted to do everything...
I could not have been more wrong.
I guess i am just irritated because everything seemed PERFECT.
but alright, if i thought everything was perfect and it ended up not being Gods plan...just think of how much BETTER Gods plan will be for me.
I guess right now i have to admit to being wrong.
Something i am not very good at.
But if my perfect isn't good enough then God's perfect is going to be so much better, that it is worth the wait.

As He puts it

Shadows.
Shadows haunt you when least expect it.
Sunny days soon form clouds and rain down on happiness.
Shadows.
Shadows hide what you want, no need to see.
Summer dreams and winter nights- regrets in the sunset and tears in the rain.
Shadows.
Shadows sometimes show you what you wish for.
Hurtful words that never are said, but always felt.
Shadows.
Shadows are what make me see the light.
Glances that make your heart skip, hugs that make your day.
Shadows.

Well im done hiding behind the sunlight and running from the rain.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days i cant help but smile.
Someone very close to me told me this , "Tomorrow is a new day, sunrise and chance"
Believe in those words.
I do.
Trust in these words.
I do.
Shadows will be your comfort and they will be  your pain.
So trust in tomorrow.

Things that matter

Mary& Kaitlyn
 Smiles,tears,hugs,"the look",coffee and sushi.
THEY ARE MY LIFE.
Really. 

Tea Dukes.
This kid used to make me SO irritated.
Wait, he still does- Besides the point.
I love this kid so much because i know that no matter what, he will always be there for me. 

Twins separated at birth by two years.
This girl is a true gift from God.
without her-No one would understand my theories, my tears and my laughter

The song that Pandora chooses to play. 

The picture you see on your wall. 

The goose bumps you get that make you want to cry or laugh...

not being able to tell how you feel.

Being preoccupied and so proud of yourself. 

Things you do everyday, that all the sudden spark a light in your heart. 

That spark that sets a fire of emotion. 

Soon being smoked out by the fear of the unknown, yet not being brave enough to actually demand the truth. 

The flames that surround you of self doubt...

Soon its all about you and if you are good enough. 

The perfect distraction that turns into the biggest reminder. 

The moment when your phone lights up.

Your heart stops. 

Stomach drops. 

Not them. 

Back to pretending youre okay. 

We just want to be loved in return.  

Satisfaction is defined differently by everyone. 

My definition is you. 

Joy is also another gray area. 

Do you really find your joy in another person?

What if Joy could have more than one root. 

If so, 

Youre that root. 

That feeling of being someone special. 

You. 

That happiness that no one can crush. 

You. 

Felling like youre in a movie and music is your sound track.

Some things are not attainable but somethings are. 

Happiness is. 

Hello.