I'm used to hating this

I'm used to everyday's. I'm used to quick drives to your house. I'm used to conversations without words. I'm used to throwing our heads back in laughter.I'm used to Java. I'm used to inside jokes. I'm used to unexpected trips and I'm used to turning around and seeing you.

It's so different without you.
It's harder than i thought.
It's lonely.
It's a test of my endurance.
It's a little more than i thought it was going to be.

I hate texting. I hate letters. I hate counting down. I hate having to explain myself. I hate having to record my day and sending it to you. I hate 9 different states and i hate where you are.

I am jealous of Hollister.
I am jealous of people who have you every day.
I am jealous of that passenger seat.
And am jealous of that stupid sun visor.
But
I believe in December 14th.
I believe one month of us.
I believe in sushi dates.
I believe in the trips we will take to Gilroy.
I believe in matching outfits.
I believe in too many pictures.
I believe in beach trips and long nights.

I ask God why it hurts so much. I ask God why it is taking so long. I ask Him what the point is.
& it's clear to me

He's teaching me that December is the definition of Grace.

far more

As the fog thickens steps begin to take more effort.

The trust and dependence in your sight is lessening as you inch further along. 

The path is not visible and you are frightened. 

The whispers in the wind are getting to your head. 

These demons of deception should not bring you down. 

Their steps are not yours. 

You are not with them. 

They swarm around you and you freeze. 

As you inhale your skin crawls and your gaze is interrupted.

All the failures and mistakes you have made flash before you. 

The haze you are now in is controlled by fear. 

Why are you afraid of the potential you hold?

They do not know you nor your future. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Your father hand picked the stars that guide the path. 

He crafted the Moon that is reflecting on the ponds surface. 

Push through this turmoil

Run past this hurt. 

These hypocrites do not define you. 

As you depend on the maker of the ground, take your stance. 

Move past this evil, stale air. 

You were made for more than fear. 

You were handcrafted my dear. 

I Don't Want To Hear It

You're under water and can't hold your breath one more second.

You're holding on and your grip is slipping. 

You're walking on a tight rope and about to lose your footing. 

It's like a cold winters day. 

From the warmth of your living room it looks so beautiful. 

When you are stuck in the snow and wind, its awful. 

You consider risking what you have valued most for this feeling. 

Compromises and weighing the pros and cons becomes part of your everyday language. 

You try and act as if it's all under control. 

You laugh and smile but at night it still stings. 

You go on with your life, stop at stop signs and applaud when it is called for. 

You are no longer looking for what you have always wanted. 

Now you are searching for what you once had. 

It's dark and it's cold. 

Your closest ones can turn so quickly. 

All you've known is now a mystery. 

You're under water and now are drowning. 

Your fingers just let go.

You are now falling to the ground below. 

I had to journal for english

Today I went to my stop and saw an envelope. My heart started racing, I knew who it was from and I was more than excited for it! The return address was stamped Azusa Pacific, the college my best friend goes to. I wanted to scream. Almost late for class I gripped my letter tight and walked briskly to class. I ripped open the letter once I was in my seat. Just seeing her handwriting made me heart ache with happiness. My eyes glided over the stationary and the comments she had written,  and I literally laughed out loud. I kept re-reading the hilarious comments and was smiling like an idiot. I traced the impressions her handwriting made on the cardstock and tears started to form. I hadn’t even opened her letter yet and I was already an emotional wreck. As I read the words of love and encouragement I just started to smile. There were words of truth, words of affirmation and words of love. The loudest words in the whole letter were the ones of promise. The ones that begged me to stay in her life. Little does she know, the letter I wrote her today proposed the same thing.

As I sat in my seat smiling and crying I began to just pray and ask God why He has me so far away from her. Why do I have to send her voice recordings because we can’t talk on the phone long distance. Why do I have to send her to Facebook to look up my friends or people to stalk. Why do I text her, “Good morning” before she is even awake. Why is her lunch time my dinner time. Why? Why! Why?! I started getting frustrated and angry with the distance. My best friend and I are separated by 9 states. 9.

That is not okay. It’s not fair and it is not easy. But what it does scream to me is the definition of our friendship. It shows me that even though we are so far away and it hurts me so deeply, that it’s okay.

I never really thought about “long distance relationships” other than dating. And I put the kibosh on that because my attention span is not that long, but now I see it in a light that is so different. Yes, I hate everything about the distance. Let me reassure you about that, but what I love is that there has not been one day since August 20 that I have not talked to her. There have been countless photos sent and voicemails left. There have been quotes and Facebook posts and im spending all my money on stamps to send the letters I write every day. Yes this stings my heart and I have break downs. I miss her to the point where I get sick to my stomach but God is good. ALL THE TIME.

He is using this season in my life as a way of teaching me dependence on Him and that through Him, all things are possible. Even being 9 states away from your partner in crime, your secret holder, your best friend and your own personal gift from God.