sunshine and rain

i sat in night class and wanted nothing to do with the subject matter.
james sat beside me and tried to get me to eat.
i wanted nothing to do with that either.
i wanted to curl up at home and cry.
i wanted to collapse.
i wanted coffee.
i wanted clarification.

i began to wrestle with God through prayer the whole drive home.
i texted my cousin a comment i had been replaying in my mind all week
"i think i have a hard time distinguishing what is my whale and what is the fact that Nineveh is just a shitty place"
what happens in this world because we disobey...because we are being punished.
&
what happens because we are living in a fallen world.
her response reached me on my lunch break.
"i dont really believe God punishes us. because i think that things are just SO different than in the old testament. but i do believe sometimes when we are squeezing our eyes shut to what Jesus is saying, sometimes He takes us by the shoulders and shakes us to get our attention and that--that can be painful"
i was about to pay for a hot dog and i froze.
i think my eyes have been shut.
i think i'm very angry.
and i think i'm very,very hurt.

refusing to surrender past pain and heartache.
clinging to the safety of worry and anxiety, because at least there is then an excuse for paranoia.
these words stung my soul.
they convicted me and showed part of who God is to me again.
psalms 34 says, "i sought the Lord and required him and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears"...
i haven't been seeking.
i haven't been requiring.
i haven't been even speaking lately.
and that is losing.
that is allowing yourself to be defeated by Nineveh.

i have been challenged to find sunshine in my life.
little things.
big things.
people.
moments.
memories.
there will always been sunshine...even during storms.
even inside of the whale.
and even while Nineveh swallows you whole,
there is always Sunshine.



"as sure as the dawn breaks,
so sure is his daily arrival"