buckets.

i was sitting in my backyard in my swimsuit with about 20 minutes till i needed to leave for work. my spiral bound journal was making an imprint on my thigh as i was writing the things i felt i needed from my senior year.
my bucket list included yoga poses, always painting my nails black, writing love letters, skipping sit-ups and donating to organizations i love. i wrote all the things my reckless heart wanted and needed.
today as i sit in my room with only a few square feet of my floor unoccupied by clothing, books and bobby pins, i look at this list and am conflicted between wanting to cry and laugh.
the summertime brought with it a sense of urgency. a need to inhale the beauty of life and the journey. senior year would trick me into thinking love is a lie, and i would believe it. senior year would influence me into thinking that the preciousness of life cannot be a priority.
senior year has weathered me. stretched me. it has given me a darker picture of what honestly leads to and what vulnerability can produce.

as i sit with 5 word documents open and my planner full of uncrossed items i see the demand senior year has. and i see that this...this flood or responsibility, this is not just an aftershock of academia.

 this is life.

this will not change once i graduate. this will not change when i get a job. this will never change. so what then? what and how do i fight for urgency of life? how do i demand to see beauty?

for me, i think it includes lists. things i know my heart needs. practical. physical. but more than just bucket lists. lists reminding me of Who provides. Who sets the very beat of my heart. Who never gives false promises. Who is "sheer beauty, all generous in love, loyal always and ever". lists to remind, uplift and encourage.

my walls are covered with reminders of the preciousness of life.
a dream-catcher kayc made me, artwork by denae, snapshots of moments where i was happy.
simple statements of accuracy,
"keep not settling"
"chase grace"
"good vibes only"
&
"tu me manques" in kelly's handwriting.
verses & the map of Gettysburg.
frames with photos & my creed "refine me lord, through the storm" delicately designed by erin.
sunflowers, beaches and a dia de los muertos skull.

all my favorite things.
all of my favorite people.
all things that remind me of life.
that even through heartbreak and ache, frustration, anxiety and a full fledged desire to be done...all my reminders speak to beauty.
things will not change & neither will He.
if there is any confidence in static, it is in Him.
the only thing.
the one thing.
& my hope is that His unchanging nature will defeat the mundane and numbing feeling senior year has given me.
my hope is that i will not be forced to see the fleetingness of life at funerals of loved ones.
my hope is that i can reclaim all of what senior year has taken before i walk.