has to be

someone recently referred to me as something they were concerned about breaking.
my brow wrinkled & courage took my words,

"i am not something to be broken."

my statement of faith rang in my mind hours later.
all i could hear was the sound of the sprinkler rotating and spitting cold water on the sidewalks.

you carried me away into the realm of disbelief.
to the twisting, muddy slough of self-doubt & blame.
questions, take backs, concerns & regret lace the overwhelming desire to surrender to the idea of my inability to conquer you.

my bed swallowed me and i never wanted to be spat out.
mom's broncos hoodie and my sheets.
i convinced myself i was wrong.
this is broken.
no quote, no verse and no pin i had pinned could speak to me now.
this is broken.
i am broken.

i can't process this because i can't see you.
i do not know what i need to feel.
deception has a way of halting process.
this is broken.
this is dangerous.
this is resigning.

hours turn to days
& somehow there is victory in this.
the moon lights my backyard.

transitioning from a handstand to a bridge, my feet touch down & starting at the bottom of my spine i pull myself up and am standing.
finished.
whole.
the finale.
"yes."

i slide into my splits & inhale.
my quads are tight, but my muscles are inclined to let me rest on the pavement, even through the pain. as my chest moves slowly up & down and my eyes close.
tears stream down my cheeks & kiss the top of my right thigh.
i can hear the sprinklers again.
throughout the distraction, my goal remains the same: wholly feeling the process.
"broken?"
my eyes roll and tears continue to fall on to my sunkissed legs. 

forgiveness kissed your lips & confused you.
with goodbye i handed you a pardon.
the only piece of me you are welcome to.
the one part i need you to have.

you have carried me into the realm of disbelief
but
i am not something to be broken. 

i will bend, i will be stretched, hurt and contorted into something i didn't know possible, but i will not break.
you do not have that.

there has to be more to a human.
there has to be growth before wilting.
there has to be purpose before ending.
there has to be bending & not breaking.

there has to be because: forgiveness.