Sunday, September 6, 2015

Darkenss

I walk down the sidewalks of my new little town. Ivy and flowers crowd the pavement & church bells ring.
It's not that humid today & I needed fresh air. 
Jesus pandora on and leggings because dress code doesn't apply to the weekends.
 Being alone has been the biggest gift lately.
Time to think, cry & process. 
Time to be authentic with where I am & where I want to be.

I ran to the cemetery this morning. I don't know why I'm comforted by tombstones but I am. 
To know that the loved ones of all who are buried feel the same empty longing I do, that's comfort. 

This is the first weekend of senior year. I spent it working out, writing, being more spontaneous than I thought possible, thinking, choosing to be intentional. I spent it with souls I cherish. I spent it battling. 

"One week down, 15 more to go"-- that's been my mindset lately and I hate it.
I had a conversation about this the other day...about being stuck. It's hard. It's discouraging. To feel like you honestly don't remember how to breathe. Like its something that mental thought and discipline are needed in order for it to happen...Someone told me recently I changed. Well thank God. Because if death and heartbreak don't change someone I'm concerned about the state of their soul. How deeply they're letting themselves love & feel.
But what these two demons can do is miraculous. 
They can teach us to be gentle. To be aware of others who are also fighting just to inhale. To make more of every day, even if you're stuck...scared...paralyzed. 
They are teaching me to see good,true and real gifts. 

8 Amish buggies passed me on my walk, I probably have ten or more bug bites & I'll need to shower again, but processing is key. 
Going toe to toe with the darkness instead of sinking under. 

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