missing

Today i am joyful.
But.
Today i miss Max.
But.
Max keeps me going&helps me to smile.
Yes.
In his death, i am falling more in love with Christ everyday.
Yes.
In his life, i am driven to do things and life live to its fullest.
Thank you, Max.

Cause life is too short.

why focus on the "cons"
when there are so many "pros"

Then i said goodbye. And liked it.

Something about to day hurt.
It hurt emotionally,it stung physically and effected me mentally.
I guess you could say that everything fell out from under me and i felt hopeless.
Drama just engulfs me and i dont know how to stop it.
That is what i hate.
I hate when i get so wrapped up into a friendship and then BOOM it's gone.
But something that i really realized today is that God "gives and takes away".
With that being said i really feel like he has been doing an inventory of my friendships lately.
And i have been as well.
Wow.
That's all i have to say.
I have some SPECTACULAR friends who would do anything for me. These people really have my back and that is what i love. i know that no matter what i do.- they will love me nonetheless.
So i sat outside this evening thinking.
As the warm breeze blew across my face i felt God. I felt Him saying, "i know that by yourself you can not make it, so i sent my Son-first and foremost- but also i sent these friends. "
And just because i feel this does not mean that at the snap of my fingers life is going to get easy. Thats not what i want to get across. Basically what i am trying to say is that God will never give you more than you can handle and with trials, pain, hurt, crappy friends and stupid mistakes He has blessed me with phenomenal friends.

Sometimes i forget about the " Pro " side of my list and i only focus on the " cons " .
i AM BLESSED.
i AM STRESSED.
i am the living proof that PRAYER WORKS.
i am THANKFUL.
i have AMAZING friends.

SO.
Goodbye to holding on to grudges.
Goodbye hurt.
Goodbye pain.
Goodbye feeling guilty for nothing.

Goodbye.

BUT.
hello feeling good enough.
hello precious friendships.
hello laughter.
hello smiles.
hello senior year,
hello.

Loop holes of Faith

apologies that hurt. 

words that pierce. 

tears that over flow. 

NO more. No. More. 

days i dread. 

people i fear.

steps i retrace. 

NO more. No. More. 

thoughts never spoken.

dreams never lived. 

hope never proven. 

NO more. No. More. 

wishes cut in two. 

carelessness in full. 

glances everywhere but here. 

NO more. No. More. 

truth twisted by lies.

smiles melting to tears. 

friendship morphing into regret. 

NO more. No. More.  

I have been sitting here for about an hour now trying to find words. 

Lately i just have been scared about my friend situation.  I need more Christian friends, more people to help me with my walk and more people who care about living a godly life. 

Well. 

Thank you God for this...

This blog is about one of my dear friends. 

Someone who i am not extremely close with but after watching her under pressure, i have come to love. 

I dont understand how she does it. 

She goes through so much, yet still is so amazing. 

She is trustworthy/

      But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is welcoming. 

      But that's not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is confident.

       But that is not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is  loud about her love for Christ Jesus.

       But those are not the words i would pick if i had to describe her.

She is beautiful.

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is strong. 

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is athletic.

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is a blessing. 

       That is the word that i choose to describe her. 

I have been so blessed to have her in my life the last 2 weeks. Yes, it has only been 2 weeks but she has shown me things about not only myself, but also about God, high school and happiness. 

i hope she knows that she is valuable to me. 

So valuable. 

SO, kell. 

I love you. 

and why not

When a smile is not a mask, but it is genuine.
When tears come after laughter, not to cover the hurt.
When laughs are loud and plentiful.

When smiles are the highlight.
When tears are the in between.
When laughs are your sound track.

When smiles turn your world to shine.
When tears are only from real pain.
When laughs are heard from here to there.

When smiles are just for fun.
When tears are something never seen.
When laughs are something felt and never caused by mean.

When smiles are your alibi.
When tears are your enemy.
When laughs are your witness.

When smiles are all you see.
When tears are a sight unseen.
When laughs keep you in the light.

    

set fire to the pain

exhausted. 

hurt. 

irritated. 

angry.

guilty. 

regretful. 

indifferent.

intimidated. 

ignored.

skeptical. 

 

i am ready for rain. 

As She Turns and Walks Away

She walks with a pep in her step,
subconsciously she's weighed to the ground.
She cries out for attentions,
without an effect her tears hit the floor.
She screams and kicks, "Give me a reaction!"
everyone's back is turned. She is alone.
She threatens to leave, to drop it all.
we've said Bon Voyage; no ships are at sea.
She weeps at night, this is from her soul
tears are her company, long are their visits.
She hurts deeper than you might think,
but her constant pain is what makes me leave.
She points fingers, points and blames.
looking for faults somewhere else.
She.
She walks on her toes, highest is her nose.
One day she will look down & no one will be found.

I'ts Not The Words You Don't say, It's What The Silence Screams.

I get so frustrated sometimes. Irritated even. Sometimes annoyed but mostly frustrated.
I get frusterated with the fact i can not please everyone. You could say i am a people pleaser but i hate that term. I just do not like when people are upset with me. I hate feeling like i did something to hurt someone. 


Lately though, God has been showing me something. Sometimes i let people walk all over me. I let them use me and my time when really i should not be giving them a second glace. I spend so much time stressing over the flaws that they point out that i start neglecting my real friends and family. I let this hurt and frustration  consume my life. 


Imagine a glass of water. Now take a drop of dark food coloring. Slowly the dark takes over, slowly but surely the water changes to meet the color half way. Quickly the water is no longer clean, now it is cloudy and chaotic.


That glass is my world right now. I've been letting everyone drop different colors into my heart. Letting them and their opinions be the guide of my life. THAT is so wrong. This hurt i feel because of them, this is wrong. 


I know that i am worth so much. Lets be real, someone died for me. And when i say someone i dont mean just anyone, i mean the creator of the universe. So really, to let someone in high school effect me this much, that is ludicrous . 

you are

You are: 

My heart beat skipping. 

The rush&butterflies.

You are:

A crisp night under the stars. 

The pixy dust&goose bumps.

You are:

The reassurance i need when i doubt. 

That voice in my head.  

You are:

One of my biggest fears.

What if I can measure up.

You are:

Not what I thought.

You’re what I need.

You are:

Everything that I like.

All that I want.

Happiness .

You are:

Not here.

Gone but coming soon.

Train on its track.

You are:

There.

Here.

Mine.

dependable, trust worthy, strong, smart and beautiful

High school so far has been full of ups and downs. 

It's been a journey to say the least. 

I've gone through heart break, back stabbing friends and disappointing mistakes. Through everyone of these hiccups there has been one thing that has been constant. 

Her name is Mary. 

I met her freshman year but did not really meet the real Mary till last year. 

I know that one year seems like nothing but this last year has been amazing. 

I went through a lot of hurt recently and i knew that i could call her and she would drop everything and be here for me. Even her boy friend brought be ice cream after a break up. 

She deserves the world, yet i know she doesn't think that. 

She is so giving and selfless that most people take advantage of her. This kills me. I know that feeling. The guilt slinks it's way into your thoughts and every emotion takes a hold of your heart leading to actions you wish you could take back. She gets walked all over and that is what hurts me. I hate watching her in pain. I hate it. Yes, i am exactly the same but watching from the outside is so much worse than being in hurt. 

I just hope that Mary knows how much i love her. 

No. 

I just adore her. 

I admire her. 

I love her. 

I look up to her. 

I pray for her. 

I laugh with her. 

I cry for her. 

I sing with her. 

I wish for her. 

I trust her. 

I hope that as she reads this she realizes that these are more than just words. 

This is my heart. 

This is the truth. 

You are worth more than tears, and more than living a life full of fears. 

i love you and i hope you know that!