Lee & Me

Do you ever wonder what God is thinking?
Why you go through certain trials or highs in life?
Do you ever wonder what you were thinking?
Ever just stop and look around and think, "wow- i am so blessed"?
Today has been one of those days.
Yes there are things in my life that at this very moment i would LOVE to get rid of- but at the same time i would not know what to do without.
My mom and i had a really long conversation this evening about a lot of stuff. We talked about boys, girls, church and college.
I love my mom so much and she is one of the things in life that i can not imagine not having.
Anyways, she really helped me see something today.
She explained to me that sometimes in any relationship, we are all tools. God uses us in the smallest or biggest ways possible. And in relationships where i may feel useless & unwanted- God knows that i am the perfect fit.
I sometimes forget that God is in control. I get so wrapped up in the hurt and in the drama of it all that i just want to scream, cry and give up. But i just am learning that God gives and God takes away & i need to just sit back, let Him take the wheel and really soak up life and the blessings and trials that come about.
So here is to the summer...no, just this next week.
To getting through it with a smile on my face & joy in my heart.
Here is to Joy when i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

P R A Y

"no, it's fine i already ate" she said as her stomach turned.
It was a lie, but that lie was her biggest comfort.
She goes home to a house that's not safe.
She walks to school and as she passed by the parked cars she glances at her reflection.
but instead of seeing the beautiful girl that she is, she sees one thing.
she sees her doubt.
She sees her pain.
She sees failure.
She sees all her past attempts at popularity.

For so long the girl she has been is not the girl that is good enough.
For so long she has been the shadow, and not that lead.
For so long she has been crying herself to sleep.
She bleeds and feels no pain, she screams and hears no sound.
She's alone in a sea of people & lost on a guided trail.

She wraps her arms around the only safe place she knows.
Her vision blurs and her heart excels.
The hurt she has been harboring soon is free.
The water swirls around the pain and then it's gone.
She has control and she feels worth.

Ashamed and alone she crawls to the door.
She is weak and she is scared.
Scared its more than a habit.
She leans her head on the cold tile wall as tears flood her eyes;
She has fallen too far and it not valid in anyone's eyes.

She has been lied to!
All that she believes is fiction.
All she trusts has no support.
All that is real to her is imaginary.
For so long she has been disguising.
Disguising the empty part of her soul.
Camouflaging her stomachs emptiness with the smaller size jeans.

She is broken!
Do not let her go to far.
Do not let her break right here.
More people than you know have suffered or will suffer from an eating disorder.
If you know anyone who is please just pray for them.
Pray for their heart and for their soul; that they would realize that their worth does not come from what size jeans they wear but it comes from who they are and most especially who died for them!
Pray Jesus just wraps them in His arms and His love.
Just pray.

To This Day

Around a year ago, I lost my little cousin, Max. He had leukemia and lost his 6 yearlong battle in May 2011.

I have never been so hurt, never felt so alone, and never been so sad.

nevertheless losing Max has had a positive effect on me.

What should have been T-ball, Monster trucks, pirates and Lego's was turned into Chemotherapy, Dr. trips and IV's.

Sometimes i forget about the hurt and the pain my family went through. I forget about the loss and the deep emptiness. But when it hits me- it hits me like a ton of bricks. It hit me tonight. I couldnt stop crying. 

When i think about how hard it must be for my aunt and for my uncle, i just break. 

I love those two people with all of my heart. I love them to the point where i just hurt for them. But what i do know and what i do feel is pure admiration. 

Those two people, beyond a shadow of a doubt are my heroes. 

We don't talk, i don't see them very often but that does not matter. 

I love them so much and i am so proud of them and so excited to see where God is taking them. 

I just sometimes don't know how to feel about this all. 

I guess you could say that i am angry...angry that life is so short- that we are just a fleeting moment. But im also mad at myself. Im mad that i don't take advantage of the time God has given me here.Max's life was changed drastically and in turn so was mine. Max is a daily inspiration to try my hardest, live to the fullest and to thank God for every day. 

Just so you know: you inspire

I sat down against the wall miles away from home. I looked over to my friend and just smiled. I was here. I was scared. I  was nervous. I was so excited.
 I watched perfect strangers talk, joke, and do homework.
As the door swung open and she walked in, i saw something. Something different. She came in and commanded attention. She told a story that left us all laughing and there was a certain kind of mystery about her.
Later in my visit i broke. There were certain events that led to this point & once i got there the tears would not stop. I took a leap and went to where she was.
"Are you busy?"
Of course she dropped everything and told me to sit down.
My original plan: just tell her bare minimal and ask her to pray for you, nothing else.
NOPE.
That did not happen. She was so welcoming, so empathetic and so loving.
I was so nervous to open up, too worried about what she would think.
You see, even though yes- i had just met her and really knew nothing about her, i looked up to her.
She was bold, beautiful, and so understanding.
As i sat on that couch with her overlooking the parking lot and chapel time froze.
As the minute hand stopped God spoke to me. It was as if He was saying,
 "See, you thought that no one understood, you thought that you were alone. No, you are not alone."
Year after year i told her my story. My hurts, my struggles- it all was out on the table.
I was vulnerable- something that i hate. But it was okay, i was okay.
As my eyes flooded and my heart poured out onto that dorm room floor she was there for me. Right by my side.
She pulled up a word document on her lap top and as she read it i just closed my eyes.
God is so bold in her life. She is so dependent on Him.
As i looked through the window i felt like i was looking into her soul. Yes there was pain, mistakes and hurt, but what i saw is all that matters- the cross. I saw forgiveness and i saw redemption. i also saw hope.
I saw that God's promises real. I saw that the nights of tears and moments of regrets do work for good.
i saw so much maturity.
That word document that she read to me changed my life. She printed me a copy and i almost can quote it for you. It shows me my worth, it shows me God's love. It shows so much.
I couldn't even tell you this girls last name but i can tell you this.
I was scared about going to college on the East coast, i was scared to leave home, i was scared to leave behind all my friends here. I was doubtful that i would make friends, i was insecure and i was sick about starting new relationships.
But, because of her- im excited about going to college on the East coast, i'm not worried about leaving my home, i know that i'll make new friends. Im sure that my worth is through Christ, and if i forget that- the words she printed out for me are tucked safely in my wallet.
I can say that my trip to the East coast was amazing, it was fun & there were a lot of laughs and memories made, but just so you know, Megan- you inspire me.