march so far

a year ago yesterday, i was laying in my dorm room, blinds closed & having difficulty breathing. Unbeknownst to me, i was harboring a 30% functioning lung thanks to pneumonia. "momma" appeared on my phone. i answered. Her brother has just been given another diagnosis & she was explaining what this meant. we hung up & i decided in that moment i didn't understand God. the next 3 days pneumonia continued to take me down & i spent a lot of time sleeping & praying. for healing, for a miracle. for anything other than what was happening. for a drastic change. there was nothing i found that was of God. nothing that was good. nothing that was redeemable. 

yesterday i was in my 3:40 class & saw "momma" come up on my phone. i checked the text & again, couldn't breathe. 

i managed to get out of the classroom & find a bathroom in the newest building at school. i could only see my family in my mind. my broken, hurting & helpless family. i decided in that moment there had to be something. there MUST be redemption here. as my Tarte mascara smeared all over my Two Faced blush and bronzer i could not find anything of God. 

i entered the gym & pushed myself harder than i thought possible. sweat and tears grazed my shirt & fell to the floor. after my last set i stretched & sat in my splits. with my head resting on my knee, bent over & so tired, i decided i needed to find the redemption or i wouldn't see it ever again.

i spoke with my grandpa and he told me the beauty in death is life after. Jesus. the prize of a life well lived & surrender to the feeling of unknown. he told me about bravery & about timing. his voice cracked in the middle of "I love you, emily jo" and tears met the floor, again. 

it's pouring rain & i'm running late for work. 

i feel like even the weather is downcast & confused as sunshine competes with dark, ominous clouds. 

i feel little to nothing but remember the sound of my uncles voice & the southern accents lacing my nana's. 

it's awful scary to live life, isn't it? where at any moment we lose those we think we can't move on without. 

But there is redemption. 

redemption competes with darkness. 

how perfectly timed is Good Friday in my mess of a world. 

dear bible college, with all due respect.

there are 12 scholarly sources scattered across my favorite coffee table in the cafe at school.
i did not finish my checklist, however my third cup of coffee was gone too soon. i contemplated making a list, "till the tassel", but i knew a 9.5 x 11 wouldn't be large enough.
i wrestle with inconsistency. humans. weather. emotions. future.
for someone who thrives when there are rules, systems and distinctly black & white ares in life, this season has been one of desperation. potentially even starvation.
i don't know where to turn for concrete.
as if a foundation could be found here.
i am not confident in love. in faithfulness. in promises.
if anything, i fear them because they break. they even bend.
they are not black and white.
they have been colored tardy, sloppy & callus.
school gives me a foothold because, typically, due dates do not change.
professors mean what they say & mostly all my syllabi have stood firm in their requirements of me.
school also drowns me.
how i regret transferring. carrying my credits tends to be the only cardio i have time for these days. some days i regret going to a bible college.
i wish i didn't hate bible classes.
i wish i knew more about the bible.
i wish i knew more about practical application of being a believer opposed to church history.
maybe that was disrespectful. truthful.
then.
while desperately looking on school's online database for articles supporting Christians consuming alcohol, i saw the sun. cliche. truthful.
maybe the inconsistencies have been highlighted in my world to show me only one thing is sure.
"...his appearing is prepared and is as certain as the dawn..."
hosea 6 discusses the Israelite's struggle with getting their relationship back with God.
i sat in the aisle for the old testament commentaries and read into chapter 6.
they, God's people, said they were ready to get to know Him. this is something to note because even as chosen people, they did not have this already infused in their being. it has to be an active pursuit. this humbled me.
an intimate relationship with God.
a seeking after.
a hunt for knowledge.

to stay aligned with the thread of honesty, my heart as been fighting to seek.
because after reading a commentary on the Greek meaning of words scattered through out the New Testament i am weary of opening my bible.
i have a predisposition to disappointment & a handful of memories telling me i know better.
it's hard to distinguish between studying for thursday's bible classes & earnestly seeking.
it's hard to be consistent & honest, to fight for my relationship with Jesus when instead i need to prepare for a debate in which ill argue why the Methodist church shouldn't allow homosexual marriages to the place in their church. 

but. 

then. 

even in my days laced in frustration, doubt and anger...the sun still shines.
& maybe that's what i need to see. maybe i relate to the Israelite people. bible college student doesn't mean i graduate with a degree in bible & a fully developed relationship with Jesus.
i have become jaded & desensitized to grace but it didn't matter as long as i passed OT 1&2.  maybe the inconsistency in my world is to highlight the beauty & timelessness of the creator. honest. there isn't a study guide for sanctification and i just wish the transparency of this was more evident.

keep seeing sunshine. keep pushing. keep actively choosing to fight for your relationship with jesus. because a 4.0 means nothing if you know nothing. 

a letter i wish someone would have given me...

dear social work student,
you're sipping on your 5th cup of coffee that you purchased with the coins from the bottom of your book bag and your assignment you're proof reading is due in minutes. your ex is dating someone who you think is better looking than you and you're homesick. your morning workouts you promised to do ended after 3 days and you have 4 forum posts that are due by the end of the week, but you didn't do the reading so you need to figure that all out soon.
i get it.
you haven't slept enough and you don't remember the last real meal you had...the caf does not count.
your practicum is stressing you out but your friends aren't in the program so they don't understand. that girl who sits in the row in front of you in English Composition always has a flawless outfit and you're wearing jeans you haven't washed in a few weeks.
i get it.
you love your roommates, but you also can't stand living on campus. bible classes make you feel like you're not a smart enough Christian and you're not really sure if you are a Calvinist or not. someone said something in class that was racist and nobody else but you was offended. you skipped your 10th chapel and it's the sixth week of school. that's a 5$ fine.
i get it.
your high school friendships mean the world to you and you feel like a horrid friend because you forgot to reply 5 hours ago. you don't even know their schedule anymore. you haven't seen your best friend in 3 days but you snapchatted them, so that counts, right? you haven't done your hair all week because not straightening it saves you 40 minutes in the morning to do other homework.
i get it.
i get that school is beautifully chaotic.
but what breaks my heart is that maybe we didn't know what we were getting into. and maybe, just maybe, we are all stressed out but too ashamed to say it. as if being honest is not something that is socially acceptable.
i get it.
your classmate's instagrams look like they're loving life and Dunkin, so how can you bring up that you cry all the time because you're so stressed. because you feel so alone and because you don't know that you will make it.
this letter is to tell you that you will.
it's okay to feel like you're spinning and can't find the floor.
it is okay to see someone on campus and cry in the library...to say you're not okay and that you actually aren't happy.
it's okay to not be happy all the time! being a Christian does not have to look like singing Hillsong while skipping around campus. being a Christian should look like a life of authenticity...raw and honest conversations with others about how in the world we can love, live and function while balancing stress, friends, family and loans.
my best friend always tells me, "pain means progress", so it's safe to say that these years y'all will make so much progress. but i promise that it is worth it.
upperclassmen: i beg you to find at least one underclassmen to love and encourage. even to just pray for. they have to know that they will get through Practice 1 and Christianity and Culture 1. find their stop # and write them a note.
underclassmen: you are going to make it. pay attention in Policy, your internship supervisors will be counting on you. get a Statistics tutor because you'll actually use it later. attend the Family Group Conference, you'll love it.
LBC has brought me some of the most amazing people and in my last year i have come to love the ladies who i have classes with. i can look around the room and see others who i know are drowning too and think to myself "we are doing it. we are going to make it".
but when you don't think you will...when you get a C on something and forget about an exam. when he breaks up with you and your world goes silent. when your grandparent dies and you have to reevaluate so much, remember that it will end. and we will make it. even when you think you wont.
in one of your bible classes i hope that you talk about 1 Thessalonians chapter 5...specifically the first 11 verses.
paul is calling the church to, as a whole, stay on track, so to speak, and to encourage each other & edify one another in the spirit...to put on the armor of God and to encourage fellow believers...the message translation says" build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind."
you feel like you can't tread water anymore. like one more assignment is actually going to be the death of you...i get it.
find someone who gets you.
take time to understand...take time to uplift.
we are going to all be okay.

help me help me

emptying. pouring. soul-shaking. spirit dulling.

How do I love you?

questions find me sleepless night after night.

maybe i didn't do it right.

music calms my thoughts of never being her. 

never being addictive. 

never catching your breath. 

being emptied shows me that I didn't provoke the best of you. 

& relapse shows me change comes from the soul. 

How do i love me?

i have been taught to abandon. 

it's better that way. 

no strings attached to tie the safety net below me. 

an artificial excuse for the heartache unimaginably unavoidable. 

familiarity. 

then i see selflessness. 

humility. 

boldness 

& bravery. 

But how do i love you? 

wondering. 

questions.

choices. 

to be loved wrong and warped into a system of broken, adjustment is cruel. 

difficult. 

uncomfortable. 

to function in hypocrisy & flourish in the shadows makes compliments and honesty my mountains and your mole hills.

so see my words as honesty. and his as scars and battle wounds. 

discredit the things you think you understand. 

wonder. ask. help. wait. push. 

But will you love me?

track ten

some airlines have this new feature where you can see how much time is left in your flight. I am sure that this was meant to be a helpful tool, however when 5 months separate you from home, watching the countdown was less than beneficial for my mental state.
a kind soul made me a CD for my trip home. as to help calm my nerves and as soon as i saw, "4:22 till final destination", i turned my iphone up all the way.
i would bet money that i have never heard of any of the artists who preformed the 14 tracks i had on shuffle, but i felt safe.
i was thinking about how i felt the last time i left California to fly to Lancaster.
i was full of sorrow, questions, anxiety & hurt.
the day i left i cried on my couch for nearly an hour before we went to the airport.
after watching my uncle pass away i developed a fear that i would have everyone i love taken from me. i didn't want to leave.
as i sat in 28C willing to bargain with the man in front of my to put his chair up so i could sleep, i thought about where i am now. other than above the middle of the United States with nearly 3 hours left till landing, i realized i am in a very similar place. still full of anxiety and hurt. anger and sorrow. but i am also full of a very paralyzing hope.
a hope that sometimes chokes fear from me & leaves me feeling abandoned...not as if i had been dropped off at a safe haven as an infant, but the feeling of emptiness.
and the awareness that something will fill this.
something much greater than i can imagine.
as a believer i have struggled with how to manage emotions. this probably has something to do with my stubborn nature and the fact that i am a full believer in wholly feeling. embracing every side of what you feel and processing that. and not falling into the trap of "choosing joy" and in doing so benching every other feeling. authenticity & vulnerably. weeping. begging God to show Himself to you. instead of coloring in the lines and forgetting that your heart is actually broken.
we hit turbulence and my eyes flew open. the man next to me asked if i was okay.
"no, but that's okay".
he laughed.
"at least you're confident in your insecurities...if that makes sense"
it does.
it completely does.
there were 30 min left and i put on my favorite song...it choked me.
"somehow the wonder of life always prevails...the wonder of life always remains"
home.
drinking coffee from my favorite mug & in reflection i see answered prayers in lancaster, and in this house...in this town...i see answered prayers.

sunshine and rain

i sat in night class and wanted nothing to do with the subject matter.
james sat beside me and tried to get me to eat.
i wanted nothing to do with that either.
i wanted to curl up at home and cry.
i wanted to collapse.
i wanted coffee.
i wanted clarification.

i began to wrestle with God through prayer the whole drive home.
i texted my cousin a comment i had been replaying in my mind all week
"i think i have a hard time distinguishing what is my whale and what is the fact that Nineveh is just a shitty place"
what happens in this world because we disobey...because we are being punished.
&
what happens because we are living in a fallen world.
her response reached me on my lunch break.
"i dont really believe God punishes us. because i think that things are just SO different than in the old testament. but i do believe sometimes when we are squeezing our eyes shut to what Jesus is saying, sometimes He takes us by the shoulders and shakes us to get our attention and that--that can be painful"
i was about to pay for a hot dog and i froze.
i think my eyes have been shut.
i think i'm very angry.
and i think i'm very,very hurt.

refusing to surrender past pain and heartache.
clinging to the safety of worry and anxiety, because at least there is then an excuse for paranoia.
these words stung my soul.
they convicted me and showed part of who God is to me again.
psalms 34 says, "i sought the Lord and required him and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears"...
i haven't been seeking.
i haven't been requiring.
i haven't been even speaking lately.
and that is losing.
that is allowing yourself to be defeated by Nineveh.

i have been challenged to find sunshine in my life.
little things.
big things.
people.
moments.
memories.
there will always been sunshine...even during storms.
even inside of the whale.
and even while Nineveh swallows you whole,
there is always Sunshine.



"as sure as the dawn breaks,
so sure is his daily arrival"

moments

sifting through old poems, love notes, homework lists and dreams i have had in the past, i found this...
i wrote this july 16th last summer.
i honestly do not know what was happening when i wrote it.
i dont remember where i was or why i decided i need to but i did.
and the emily of november 2nd needed the emily from july 16th so very much today.


moments

"I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you are abused by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never."