love. as simple as that.

tonight as i sit nestled in my room, candles lit & tv on in the background my heart is heavy.
writing one post on a blog i've had since high school seems meaningless. it seems like there is nothing really that i can do to help with this. but that is where i am wrong. there is something i can do: love jesus & love people.
sometimes i find myself ashamed of being a christian.
that is the honest truth.
not because i am afraid people will think i am ignorant for believing in someone i cannot see...not because i am worried about people thinking i'm a prude...i am ashamed because i have seen the dirty, judgmental and hateful side of Christianity. the choices which were made after abandoning grace & truth...i am ashamed because i do not ever want to paint jesus that way...i don't want to continue the damage.
so as i sit here i think, 'what do you want?' i look at my wall...
i was given a painting by a coworker that reads, "all you need is love & a good cup of coffee" which is hanging near other art, "good vibes only", a f scott. fitzgerald quote about beauty "joy & risk" and proverbs 31:30...my walls scream what i want.
love.
beauty.
wholeness.
so how do i get this? how do i give this?
answer: loving jesus & loving others.

some of the deepest relationships i have give me a snapshot of real, authentic love. these souls hurt when i am hurting, rejoice when i am rejoicing & pray desperately for me when i need it. these loves take time to pause their world to enter into mine. they take time to get to my level, no matter where i may be. through these relationships i see how i should love others...even strangers...even people i will never meet.

as i sit here comfortable, safe & with my family whole at home, i cannot pretend to imagine what the victim's families are feeling...nor would i ever dare to. as you sit on your couch, floor or in your car you cannot either. but what we can do, what i plan to do, is love louder, pray more often & continue to beg God to allow me to have positive relationships. to meet new people who have also seen the dirty, judgmental and hateful side of Christianity so that i can attempt to reflect jesus & his love to them in a different way. we can devote time to pray for healing, proper mourning & for safety. we can continue to love with a christ-like love in a christ-less world.

i have decided to live a life that is supposed to be different. i have decided to live for something greater than just myself. but none of this matters if other people don't feel the same genuine love i have been given through my relationship with jesus.

none of this matters if we don't love like we were first loved.

so as we love others remember that though we may never experience the great loss, terror and anger these families are feeling, we are still called to walk along side, from a distance or up close & personal, these beautiful souls.

love.
beauty.
wholeness.



simple as that.

empty coffee cups & backpacks

this is the first monday i have not set an alarm in 10 months. 
the first monday i have not had a bag packed full of reading assignments, sticky notes riddled with forum post reminders & journal articles for research papers. 
this is the first monday in 10 months i am not worried about a due date. 
realistically, it's the first monday in the last 4 years i have not had some sort of academic hurtle demanding my time. 

it feels completely and horribly awful. 
while i have laundry to be done, dishes to be washed & textbooks to send back to chegg, my life feels completely and wholly different, if not empty.  
if the freshman emily were to read this she would immediately roll her eyes and make a snarky comment about how much she hates OT2 and plead with me to see where she is coming from.

life this summer is going to be drastically different.
yet, life this summer has the capacity to be full & sweet. 
as i flip my agenda open to the second week in may my heart hurts a little. 
no more assignments, no more internship, no more debate practice, no more "print out paper at school", "reply to 2 posts for Farnham", "get hours signed by supervisor", no more basketball games...no more LBC.
weird. 
uncomfortable. 
great. 
different. 
as i start writing in my work schedule, dinner dates & vacation days i feel transition taking over in my lilly pulitzer agenda. 
as i start the grad school process i feel transition setting sail and a very uncomfortable and strange feeling enveloping me. 

when my name was called on friday and i attempted not to cry while shaking president teague's hand i felt the presence of transition. as i drove away from my family at the philadelphia airport this weekend i felt that same transition. 
yet through all of this i have also felt fear, anger and anxiety. 
the fear of disappointing the individuals who have poured into me at LBC and even high school teachers who persuaded me to go to college. 
the flip side of transition begs for my time & emotions. 
restless nights sleeping in heathers bed because i dont want to sleep alone & "wanna have a sleep over?" is her most used question these days. 
we know things are changing. 

then this morning as i clicked on the assigned reading for the lent plan i am doing on shereadstruth.com, ( yes, i am fully aware lent is very much over.) i was humbled and brought back to a very firm reality. 

matthew 6:33-34...the go to verses for anxiety 

 33 "But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

we are never, ever told life will be trouble free. here the author clearly tells us today has enough drama of it's own. he warns us of borrowing anxiety from the weeks and days ahead. 

he pushes us to be conscious of today...of all that it holds, even the trouble! 

we are asked to be present,

to be mindful of this day. 

we are asked to be aware of the heaviness of life,

to be focused on righteousness

& we are asked to be seeking his kingdom. 

so as i fill the pages of my week up i am convicted and convinced that each day of this summer god will use. he will fill them with beauty and with pain. he will fill them with exactly what i need to be stretched, developed and humbled. life this summer will look like refinement, growth & change. life this summer will be sweet, healing and quiet. 

here is to seeking jesus and his kingdom. to being fully open to the waves of transition, instead of drowning in their undertow. here is to being mindful of the delicacy of emotion, life and each day. 

here is to the end of undergraduate life. 

together

time is never fair.
there are no rules with her.
how long till you're handed back a slice of what used to be whole.
time is selfish.
time's agenda caters to no one other than herself.
she alludes to healing but never gives an expiration date.
a year.
1 month.
2 weeks.
hours.
time never tells.
yet everyone screams that all you need is her.
all you need is the perfect cocktail of time & space.
but these two are the reason alone is reassuring.
alone takes over when time doesn't send an RSVP.
alone pretends to have power and provides you with space.
at least,
that's what it seems like.
all the while time knows.
time knows alone is only a quick fix.

time is never fair.
because while sometimes you need her for flips in the calendar,
others it takes simply one row.
7 days.
12 days.
& before 30 you're gone.
surrendered.
time never tells.
when you've been captivated by words
time allows words to make you feel.
words knows what he's doing.
a silver tongue.
deception & persuasion
while time begs you to remember,
time knows words is only a quick fix.

time is never fair.
but time is all we have.
at least time is honest from day one
that she doesn't know how much
longer
you're together.

has to be

someone recently referred to me as something they were concerned about breaking.
my brow wrinkled & courage took my words,

"i am not something to be broken."

my statement of faith rang in my mind hours later.
all i could hear was the sound of the sprinkler rotating and spitting cold water on the sidewalks.

you carried me away into the realm of disbelief.
to the twisting, muddy slough of self-doubt & blame.
questions, take backs, concerns & regret lace the overwhelming desire to surrender to the idea of my inability to conquer you.

my bed swallowed me and i never wanted to be spat out.
mom's broncos hoodie and my sheets.
i convinced myself i was wrong.
this is broken.
no quote, no verse and no pin i had pinned could speak to me now.
this is broken.
i am broken.

i can't process this because i can't see you.
i do not know what i need to feel.
deception has a way of halting process.
this is broken.
this is dangerous.
this is resigning.

hours turn to days
& somehow there is victory in this.
the moon lights my backyard.

transitioning from a handstand to a bridge, my feet touch down & starting at the bottom of my spine i pull myself up and am standing.
finished.
whole.
the finale.
"yes."

i slide into my splits & inhale.
my quads are tight, but my muscles are inclined to let me rest on the pavement, even through the pain. as my chest moves slowly up & down and my eyes close.
tears stream down my cheeks & kiss the top of my right thigh.
i can hear the sprinklers again.
throughout the distraction, my goal remains the same: wholly feeling the process.
"broken?"
my eyes roll and tears continue to fall on to my sunkissed legs. 

forgiveness kissed your lips & confused you.
with goodbye i handed you a pardon.
the only piece of me you are welcome to.
the one part i need you to have.

you have carried me into the realm of disbelief
but
i am not something to be broken. 

i will bend, i will be stretched, hurt and contorted into something i didn't know possible, but i will not break.
you do not have that.

there has to be more to a human.
there has to be growth before wilting.
there has to be purpose before ending.
there has to be bending & not breaking.

there has to be because: forgiveness. 

buckets.

i was sitting in my backyard in my swimsuit with about 20 minutes till i needed to leave for work. my spiral bound journal was making an imprint on my thigh as i was writing the things i felt i needed from my senior year.
my bucket list included yoga poses, always painting my nails black, writing love letters, skipping sit-ups and donating to organizations i love. i wrote all the things my reckless heart wanted and needed.
today as i sit in my room with only a few square feet of my floor unoccupied by clothing, books and bobby pins, i look at this list and am conflicted between wanting to cry and laugh.
the summertime brought with it a sense of urgency. a need to inhale the beauty of life and the journey. senior year would trick me into thinking love is a lie, and i would believe it. senior year would influence me into thinking that the preciousness of life cannot be a priority.
senior year has weathered me. stretched me. it has given me a darker picture of what honestly leads to and what vulnerability can produce.

as i sit with 5 word documents open and my planner full of uncrossed items i see the demand senior year has. and i see that this...this flood or responsibility, this is not just an aftershock of academia.

 this is life.

this will not change once i graduate. this will not change when i get a job. this will never change. so what then? what and how do i fight for urgency of life? how do i demand to see beauty?

for me, i think it includes lists. things i know my heart needs. practical. physical. but more than just bucket lists. lists reminding me of Who provides. Who sets the very beat of my heart. Who never gives false promises. Who is "sheer beauty, all generous in love, loyal always and ever". lists to remind, uplift and encourage.

my walls are covered with reminders of the preciousness of life.
a dream-catcher kayc made me, artwork by denae, snapshots of moments where i was happy.
simple statements of accuracy,
"keep not settling"
"chase grace"
"good vibes only"
&
"tu me manques" in kelly's handwriting.
verses & the map of Gettysburg.
frames with photos & my creed "refine me lord, through the storm" delicately designed by erin.
sunflowers, beaches and a dia de los muertos skull.

all my favorite things.
all of my favorite people.
all things that remind me of life.
that even through heartbreak and ache, frustration, anxiety and a full fledged desire to be done...all my reminders speak to beauty.
things will not change & neither will He.
if there is any confidence in static, it is in Him.
the only thing.
the one thing.
& my hope is that His unchanging nature will defeat the mundane and numbing feeling senior year has given me.
my hope is that i will not be forced to see the fleetingness of life at funerals of loved ones.
my hope is that i can reclaim all of what senior year has taken before i walk.

march so far

a year ago yesterday, i was laying in my dorm room, blinds closed & having difficulty breathing. Unbeknownst to me, i was harboring a 30% functioning lung thanks to pneumonia. "momma" appeared on my phone. i answered. Her brother has just been given another diagnosis & she was explaining what this meant. we hung up & i decided in that moment i didn't understand God. the next 3 days pneumonia continued to take me down & i spent a lot of time sleeping & praying. for healing, for a miracle. for anything other than what was happening. for a drastic change. there was nothing i found that was of God. nothing that was good. nothing that was redeemable. 

yesterday i was in my 3:40 class & saw "momma" come up on my phone. i checked the text & again, couldn't breathe. 

i managed to get out of the classroom & find a bathroom in the newest building at school. i could only see my family in my mind. my broken, hurting & helpless family. i decided in that moment there had to be something. there MUST be redemption here. as my Tarte mascara smeared all over my Two Faced blush and bronzer i could not find anything of God. 

i entered the gym & pushed myself harder than i thought possible. sweat and tears grazed my shirt & fell to the floor. after my last set i stretched & sat in my splits. with my head resting on my knee, bent over & so tired, i decided i needed to find the redemption or i wouldn't see it ever again.

i spoke with my grandpa and he told me the beauty in death is life after. Jesus. the prize of a life well lived & surrender to the feeling of unknown. he told me about bravery & about timing. his voice cracked in the middle of "I love you, emily jo" and tears met the floor, again. 

it's pouring rain & i'm running late for work. 

i feel like even the weather is downcast & confused as sunshine competes with dark, ominous clouds. 

i feel little to nothing but remember the sound of my uncles voice & the southern accents lacing my nana's. 

it's awful scary to live life, isn't it? where at any moment we lose those we think we can't move on without. 

But there is redemption. 

redemption competes with darkness. 

how perfectly timed is Good Friday in my mess of a world. 

dear bible college, with all due respect.

there are 12 scholarly sources scattered across my favorite coffee table in the cafe at school.
i did not finish my checklist, however my third cup of coffee was gone too soon. i contemplated making a list, "till the tassel", but i knew a 9.5 x 11 wouldn't be large enough.
i wrestle with inconsistency. humans. weather. emotions. future.
for someone who thrives when there are rules, systems and distinctly black & white ares in life, this season has been one of desperation. potentially even starvation.
i don't know where to turn for concrete.
as if a foundation could be found here.
i am not confident in love. in faithfulness. in promises.
if anything, i fear them because they break. they even bend.
they are not black and white.
they have been colored tardy, sloppy & callus.
school gives me a foothold because, typically, due dates do not change.
professors mean what they say & mostly all my syllabi have stood firm in their requirements of me.
school also drowns me.
how i regret transferring. carrying my credits tends to be the only cardio i have time for these days. some days i regret going to a bible college.
i wish i didn't hate bible classes.
i wish i knew more about the bible.
i wish i knew more about practical application of being a believer opposed to church history.
maybe that was disrespectful. truthful.
then.
while desperately looking on school's online database for articles supporting Christians consuming alcohol, i saw the sun. cliche. truthful.
maybe the inconsistencies have been highlighted in my world to show me only one thing is sure.
"...his appearing is prepared and is as certain as the dawn..."
hosea 6 discusses the Israelite's struggle with getting their relationship back with God.
i sat in the aisle for the old testament commentaries and read into chapter 6.
they, God's people, said they were ready to get to know Him. this is something to note because even as chosen people, they did not have this already infused in their being. it has to be an active pursuit. this humbled me.
an intimate relationship with God.
a seeking after.
a hunt for knowledge.

to stay aligned with the thread of honesty, my heart as been fighting to seek.
because after reading a commentary on the Greek meaning of words scattered through out the New Testament i am weary of opening my bible.
i have a predisposition to disappointment & a handful of memories telling me i know better.
it's hard to distinguish between studying for thursday's bible classes & earnestly seeking.
it's hard to be consistent & honest, to fight for my relationship with Jesus when instead i need to prepare for a debate in which ill argue why the Methodist church shouldn't allow homosexual marriages to the place in their church. 

but. 

then. 

even in my days laced in frustration, doubt and anger...the sun still shines.
& maybe that's what i need to see. maybe i relate to the Israelite people. bible college student doesn't mean i graduate with a degree in bible & a fully developed relationship with Jesus.
i have become jaded & desensitized to grace but it didn't matter as long as i passed OT 1&2.  maybe the inconsistency in my world is to highlight the beauty & timelessness of the creator. honest. there isn't a study guide for sanctification and i just wish the transparency of this was more evident.

keep seeing sunshine. keep pushing. keep actively choosing to fight for your relationship with jesus. because a 4.0 means nothing if you know nothing. 

a letter i wish someone would have given me...

dear social work student,
you're sipping on your 5th cup of coffee that you purchased with the coins from the bottom of your book bag and your assignment you're proof reading is due in minutes. your ex is dating someone who you think is better looking than you and you're homesick. your morning workouts you promised to do ended after 3 days and you have 4 forum posts that are due by the end of the week, but you didn't do the reading so you need to figure that all out soon.
i get it.
you haven't slept enough and you don't remember the last real meal you had...the caf does not count.
your practicum is stressing you out but your friends aren't in the program so they don't understand. that girl who sits in the row in front of you in English Composition always has a flawless outfit and you're wearing jeans you haven't washed in a few weeks.
i get it.
you love your roommates, but you also can't stand living on campus. bible classes make you feel like you're not a smart enough Christian and you're not really sure if you are a Calvinist or not. someone said something in class that was racist and nobody else but you was offended. you skipped your 10th chapel and it's the sixth week of school. that's a 5$ fine.
i get it.
your high school friendships mean the world to you and you feel like a horrid friend because you forgot to reply 5 hours ago. you don't even know their schedule anymore. you haven't seen your best friend in 3 days but you snapchatted them, so that counts, right? you haven't done your hair all week because not straightening it saves you 40 minutes in the morning to do other homework.
i get it.
i get that school is beautifully chaotic.
but what breaks my heart is that maybe we didn't know what we were getting into. and maybe, just maybe, we are all stressed out but too ashamed to say it. as if being honest is not something that is socially acceptable.
i get it.
your classmate's instagrams look like they're loving life and Dunkin, so how can you bring up that you cry all the time because you're so stressed. because you feel so alone and because you don't know that you will make it.
this letter is to tell you that you will.
it's okay to feel like you're spinning and can't find the floor.
it is okay to see someone on campus and cry in the library...to say you're not okay and that you actually aren't happy.
it's okay to not be happy all the time! being a Christian does not have to look like singing Hillsong while skipping around campus. being a Christian should look like a life of authenticity...raw and honest conversations with others about how in the world we can love, live and function while balancing stress, friends, family and loans.
my best friend always tells me, "pain means progress", so it's safe to say that these years y'all will make so much progress. but i promise that it is worth it.
upperclassmen: i beg you to find at least one underclassmen to love and encourage. even to just pray for. they have to know that they will get through Practice 1 and Christianity and Culture 1. find their stop # and write them a note.
underclassmen: you are going to make it. pay attention in Policy, your internship supervisors will be counting on you. get a Statistics tutor because you'll actually use it later. attend the Family Group Conference, you'll love it.
LBC has brought me some of the most amazing people and in my last year i have come to love the ladies who i have classes with. i can look around the room and see others who i know are drowning too and think to myself "we are doing it. we are going to make it".
but when you don't think you will...when you get a C on something and forget about an exam. when he breaks up with you and your world goes silent. when your grandparent dies and you have to reevaluate so much, remember that it will end. and we will make it. even when you think you wont.
in one of your bible classes i hope that you talk about 1 Thessalonians chapter 5...specifically the first 11 verses.
paul is calling the church to, as a whole, stay on track, so to speak, and to encourage each other & edify one another in the spirit...to put on the armor of God and to encourage fellow believers...the message translation says" build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind."
you feel like you can't tread water anymore. like one more assignment is actually going to be the death of you...i get it.
find someone who gets you.
take time to understand...take time to uplift.
we are going to all be okay.

help me help me

emptying. pouring. soul-shaking. spirit dulling.

How do I love you?

questions find me sleepless night after night.

maybe i didn't do it right.

music calms my thoughts of never being her. 

never being addictive. 

never catching your breath. 

being emptied shows me that I didn't provoke the best of you. 

& relapse shows me change comes from the soul. 

How do i love me?

i have been taught to abandon. 

it's better that way. 

no strings attached to tie the safety net below me. 

an artificial excuse for the heartache unimaginably unavoidable. 

familiarity. 

then i see selflessness. 

humility. 

boldness 

& bravery. 

But how do i love you? 

wondering. 

questions.

choices. 

to be loved wrong and warped into a system of broken, adjustment is cruel. 

difficult. 

uncomfortable. 

to function in hypocrisy & flourish in the shadows makes compliments and honesty my mountains and your mole hills.

so see my words as honesty. and his as scars and battle wounds. 

discredit the things you think you understand. 

wonder. ask. help. wait. push. 

But will you love me?