Broken glass sparkles

With these eyes i see hope in an ally at midnight.
Deep in my being, this heart beats for those who faintly know.
My breath is captured by simplistic art and words that move.
Move peoples and could change heart break.
Thoughts of mine drift to lands far from that which words would change
Just the same thoughts crave dimly lit patios and music that hurts my heart.
At the sight of seeing your happiness, creative words or dearly loved ones, my smile is prominent & heart is light.
I'm aware of disaster but in love with finding broken beauty

Take me there

When you dry a rose the purpose is to preserve it.
To save the memory, the day, the meaning.
It's much more than just a flower.
The nostalgia that is tied to these fading petals is power.
It's capable of stealing my breath.

I remember when I flipped their world upside down & hung these three roses.
They were symbols.
Interlaced and butterflies.
They so eagerly waited for me


They have lost all color, they are brittle.
Much like the memories.
Yet still, it represents more than just a Perennial.

We all have rose petals in our lives, do we not?
Things that used to define our happiness & remind us to push forward,.
Now they are just dried up weeds.
Cold, lifeless & upside down.


Don't let your mind fool you with symbols and empty words.
Enjoy symbols, cherish memories, but see today.

Pulse

The brightest days are sometimes chased by the darkest of skies.
The silence in the deep blue canvas chases weakness and abandons the spirit of hope.
Don't fret with you lose a battle, just remember for what you fight.
Hold on to desire, continually crave this drive.
Let it lace through your veins, allow your passions to help you thrive.
If only you could see your current low will be tomorrow's high.
Despite your despair with this coursing from your heart, even catastrophe is conquerable.
Look up at the dark painted heavens & let them swallow you whole.
Condone the silence to conceal your pain.
Taken.
Hidden.
&
Repaired.
Silence in His presence.
The unavoidable;White washed rooms and words that explain.
Suddenly your veins close. Hope is barricaded.
Forbid this rift, and demand passion to be consistent.
Forfeit your soul to the scariest of skies, not all is lost my sweet love.

Pandora and mix Cd's guide me

Glass sprinkles the median as I drive past.
The brilliant sparkles catch my eye and it takes me back to what happened there
 I was not able to see it but it's obvious that there was a collision: fear.

My tires race but my mind is racing faster, my thoughts go out to what made that car swerved and let that glass shatter.
Perhaps they were scared of where they were going- afraid of the future and repetition.
Cautiously fearful of falling into the same destructive patterns: stop.

Red lights in front of me pull me back to where I'm leaving. Maybe they were frightened because they too were leaving. Is there a possibility they only knew what they left behind & the thought of one more mile suffocated them: breathe.

But then again maybe it's just broken glass on the highway.

letters

We compose such meaningful thoughts, sometimes without even realizing it. We slowly build the anticipation and desire to a point where with one misplaced note will throw the whole symphony off. All depended on the conductor of our minds. Do we see the people in the audience and how they are perceiving these notes as they drift away from our finger tips. Never to be taken back and never to be forgotten, oh, the power, my friends. These verses strung together, light up and display the lining of our hearts. Or so we assume. Then the question is begged, is the cellist concerned with the lyrics, or are they simply moving their bow over the strings when they are told. Is there any thought behind these letters all pasted together to paint the vision of your soul, or is it simply just because it sounds pretty.

Tomorrow I'll feel light

You're right there.
We are hugging, smiling and I forgot to look at the camera.
You're right there.
We are champions, graduates, or Friday night hooligans.
You're right there.
I'm kissing your cheek as you make an Absurd face at my kitchen counter.
You're right there.
In the middle of public, we look like idiots and nothing matters. We are singling and caught mid verse
You're right there. So close i can feel our body heat.
But so far I feel my body cave.
You're not here, and I'm not even sure you're awake.
I'm drowning in sea salt and desperate for freedom.
This concept called normal defines itself as consistent yet my feet are slipping as it finds a new home in my dictionary.
Who are these people I smile with now?
Who is here taking my heart, piece by piece.
Who is this I pour into and who are these people telling me they care?
The tracks on my cheek leave my heart pounding. My room is dark and my thoughts abounding.
Memories, hurts, fears and desires.
All this commotion from one captured moment.

ripped out paper

the winter, cold & bringing
harsh, brisk reminders
that summer is too far away.
the winter, empty, yet
full of rain to wash.
away the naive dreams
summer spurred.
the winter leaves us
guessing & desiring
value in the temperature
like never before.
then slowly it starts
barren and dry with nothing to
give. hands tinted red &
our cheeks beaten by
the bitter air.
the winter with no promises in sight
now holds in front of us, the cure for hopelessness,
slowly as it swishes and sways from the skyline
the desires, seemingly unattainable from spring
are in the grasp of our hands.
He has painted our misery & despair.
He has made our summer months' dreams into winter wishes.
covered in white are the dreary & ominous mountains
covered in white, promises now not to be broken.
the winter, to be our endless summer. 

Nash

Vanilla candles flickering.
Their wicks burn into our late night heart to hearts.
Laughter in our hushed voices so we don't wake mom.
Take me back, to this wintertime lullaby. To the bliss that was intermingled with misery.
Forget me not, 4 years ago.
The safety and the innocence.
Of which we were stripped and deprived of.
These flames that illuminate the night are the spark for which my heart beats.
Planning and strategy.
Soon to be nothing.
Blank days and no marks.
Silence will be Fierce and with mighty power I'm left speechless.
Safe in this haven of home.

Long talks with Kelly

I grew cold wishing, my thoughts suspended & glances dwindling.
I became impatient waiting. my beat quickening & confidence fading.
Disappointments from the past tiptoe across this canvas.
their soot covered footprints cloud my vision.
I believe in destiny or whatever promise is more appealing.
that or love.
Searching for the blank space for my own thoughts.
We are so different in my mind and that is where i am decieved.
Yet, blissfully safe.
Burn the past, wash away the ashes as they fall from the sky.
The tears remember their tracks along my cheeks &
it is familiar, this feeling.
Outside opinions from the stained glass.
I am paralyzed by grey matter.
be or do not.
Legs curled under my torso as i drift.
Eyes closed due to fear and utter torment.
the kind of shut where it hurts, but the dark is welcoming.
Light is too exposing.
Let me be swept under by the swells,
Let me see the side you do.
Take me down.
let me in.
I grow worried of my interest.
my passion might seem boring.
Who were they.
promised and broken. safe was the consensus. deceived was the felling.
i lost feeling as i walked under these stars.
i can forget while i dream and tomorrow ill live in gray again.
frustrated.

Refrain

The bottom of the bowl circles as the base dances across the edges of your fingertips.
Our eyes follow the piece of pottery fall eloquently from it's perfect state to the cold, bitter gravel underneath our bodies.
I pivot and turn, your fist reaches out and grasps my wrist.
Silence in between the quote marks in which your apology would fit so nicely. My eyes beg you to acknowledge, but my body remembers and dramatically jerks away.
You rip part of my heart and claim a piece of my soul.
As my footsteps fade you stay and look at the broken.
"It's okay", you think.
My footsteps are no more.
You take these chipped and imperfect parts of what used to be whole. You take what used to be and force it to fit where you desire. Forfeit is the only way you win; cheating is your battle plan.
You take parts and don't replace, you demand honesty as you plan with lying motives.
The general shape is back and resembles the bowl that fell, yet this is not what used to be.
It never will be the same and never will be whole again.
I am gone and you are there.
I have healed and I have won.
My darling I'm sorry, for your heart and your fears, but let go of my body& with it release my soul.
You hold what you wish was whole, yet clearly it's your biggest hole.

Creator

I follow your eyes wander as they pick up the colors of my trees.
I see your eyelids as you avoid reality & escape into where you want to be:
Home.
I want to capture the moment you desire & need.
I want to rescue your hurt that you're harvesting.
I will be who you crave & who fulfills you.
I'll see you alone as you search for hope.
I hear your footsteps as you venture closer.
I see you, head hardly above water, treading and gasping for breath.
I'll shape shift till you notice me
I'll whisper sweet reminders to you:
Promises
I extend my hand as you're begging for my presence.
I am with you, effortlessly, throughout this day.
You are mine & I am yours:
Together.

Knowing a Strangers Heart.

the consequence of adolescence ripped apart what we had cherished for years.
we walked our separate ways
as the memories scattered on the paths we both chose.
days
weeks
months
they all make up years.
apart, separate. distance and all things new. 
we are making our way without you and that is what causes confusion.
you held us together when parents yelled, grades failed and boys betrayed us.
you helped us piece back the broken
knowing our souls like your own identity.
together we fought, side by side and we defined you.
we foolishly abandoned our tie we build in your safety and left.
& as i glided away i broke my heart as well as the bond you loved to keep.

birds anxiously waiting freedom of flight, we left the nest.
simoltaniously i watched this part of me deteriate and become a mysterious person.
i see them now, and ever since we abandoned you, we are no more.
we are broken because we brayed the you: friendship.
commonalities and memories
the part of that heart i will always know.
insecurites and inside jokes.
without you we are still so far away,
forgive us, friendship.
for we know not what we did.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

words & their meanings

On the cusp of frustration & conviction I began.

Determined yet irritated I decided to cave.

Silence.

It’s never something I tend to crave.

Scared to death, I found a place.

Reluctant & almost mad

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Alone.

I have to catch my breath,

I’m petrified of only me.

Is this really what he said he loves?

Reassuring myself that I’m okay, I look around.

Yellow, Red and Green.

They’re turning colors all year round.  

Water cascading & I stop myself.

Is this beauty?

Soon the words come to mind &

They stick.

“Bind my wandering heart to thee”

Is that all that fear ever is?

Delusions.

My heart beats dramatically & my body moves

The rhythm is hypnotic & it takes me away.

How long have I been thinking?

How afraid am i?

Trust.

It’s worth more than gold

More precious than diamonds

& something a bank could never hold.

Cliché yet accurate.

I lack this.

I need this & I crave it.

The wind blows & I’m on a path

Behind me is the past &

I’m walking toward tomorrow.

Alone is what reminds me

Betrayed is how it feels.

This is not what he calls beauty.

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Even on this path of dark.

“never will I leave you”.

Promise?

Trust again is absent.

A leaf hits me & here I am.

Solitude.

I can breathe.

I am shocked & in disbelief.

Here

It’s never where I thought I would be.

Not here, but here.

Time is demanded &

Consistency is required.

his push is what I needed.

Remaining uncomfortable

Just more aware of beauty.

On my way to the Olympics

Free Electives, gen. ed. & prerequisites. Highlighters & spread sheets, sticky notes and classes offered in the spring.
I just want to scream!
Take me back to when my dreams to help the helpless had no bounds. Take me to where World Civ 1 didn't stand in my way.
I've made a life of treading water. Summer days & winter mornings flash back & my legs are ready to surrender. My own weight is pulling me under and I'm ready to sink.
In and out, around again.
Egg beating till I'm safe.
Come summer time & it's my job to support another life.
In and out, around again.
In and out, around again.
Muscle tears, and then it builds.
It hurts.
Progress.
I get my pink Expo & select my classes. Papers cover my counter and I'm preparing my semester.
I'm drowning in credits. But this is treading, is it not?
This is mandatory. Without this, I can't help.
I can't support another life. I can't be who I want without these 3x a week classes. I can't start my dream till I finish this momentary nightmare (to be quite dramatic)
I just want to scream!
Back in the water is where I am happy. Coaching my little bugs overwhelmed my heart. Watching them progress, watching them learn. Priceless.
 First we blow bubbles. Then put goggles on & we look at each other underwater. Now it's time for arms. "KICK, KICK, KICK, KICK". From the step to me. I take a step back. And another step. Soon my littles are swimming clear across the pool. But they wouldn't be here without bubbles. They wouldn't be here without the basics.
"I want to be the next Michael Phelps " - the words of one of my students.
Aspirations.
I sit again my dorm room wall. Next semester all planned out.
Overwhelmed and frustrated.
But, This is just bubble blowing, is it not?

simplicity and perfection

It's silent, so much that it's screaming.
We wandered through so many curves and twists to get here, now the view was worth the climb.
It's simple; beauty at it's finest.
I bet if I sat here alone I would be lost in my thoughts. I'll catch my breath in-between shooting stars as I'm lost in the constellations.
We parked on a path I got stuck in, we walked up twisting cement as the wind hurried our thoughts. One flashlight led us to where you all would be happy. My heart, excited and impatient as our feet carried us higher.
Our heads interlocked;warmth and safety; together. It's as if we are all one, each making up a very unique part. My eyes search for something. My heart jumps and we all scream: shooting star. As I dive into the sea of sparkling beauty my mind is racing.
We are so finite.
We are so unimportant.
God is so big.
God is so big.
As our shoulders all matched up to the next persons we all felt the anxiety yet perfect peace. Not knowing what was accompanying us, yet knowing Who was there.
We were on top of the world. Our stomping ground lit up a portion of the sky & we were giants. Till we looked up.
My mind, still racing, takes me to a place that scares me. A place that intrigues me. Indescribable gets stuck in my head and I can't help but sing. Our voices carry and the notes drift into the endless night.
We are so small.
It's so silent now.
Just thinking.
Thoughts turn to words and soon we are walking away from our safe place.
We arrive safely where we need to be. They're all happy, therefore I'm overjoyed.
Beauty defined and troubles were gone.
That's where my memory takes me .

Through the Storm

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it"
I remember writing this on a canvas at my best friends house with the Giants game on in the back ground.
I am a sucker when it comes to catchy quotes. I could have them all over my room...okay, i have them all over my room. I love them because they make you think. You read it once. Then you read it again. Mull it over and think about how to apply it to your life.
As i was making this painting for my dorm room i valued the statement, but not until recently have i been able to apply it.
We don't have a lot of time alive. I have been learning that a lot lately. What we do with our days is vital. How we spend our time is crucial to our development and it also helps shape who we are.
Some of us thrive in the spotlight, some of us would rather not be seen. We are all different. However, we are all in search of an identity.
WHAT you do today is important.
Each "yes" and "no" chisel you away into the person  you were designed to be.
So through the struggles, through the pain, remember what is your anchor.
Today in Church the words
'in every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.'stung my heart.
what you do today isn't important.
wait, that goes against everything i have been saying.
think about it.
sometimes we have awful days. Days where a 6 hour nap seems like the best decision, yet you only have 2 hours in between classes and the second of which is a midterm.
Sometimes you can't do anything about it.
But where does your anchor sink?
What is holding you down(in a good way), what is grounding you?
What you do today is IMPORTANT.
Just make sure that when choosing what to do you remember who you are doing it for.
Remember who you are making these decisions for.
And remember, that through the hell weeks, through the missed calls, arguments and no replies, that Christ is working.
Your Anchor is working, even if you can't see how.
He is.
WHAT YOU DO TODAY is important. 

Every Wednesday

There is a desire for value.
We place it on everything.
Price tags, even though we only see them on clothes, cars, food or houses, we place them on everything and everyone.
It's simple, because
we crave value.

Sometimes so much that we sell ourselves short or we barter with others.
Slowly decreasing our value.
We take our bodies and our souls, we take our gift of life and chip away what we were born with.

There is such a desire for others to want us.
We want people to choose us.
We need to feel value.
The only problem is that our value can't ever be placed or changed.

We search for value, so find people who see your value.
Spend your time, invest in people who wouldn't change anything about you.
Recognize the deep need for simple complements; acknowledge how easy it is to say , "You look beautiful".

There is a desire for value.
Speak value.
See your value.
Refuse to allow others to put a red price tag of Clearance on you.
See your value.

War & casualties

I will suppress, at least to forget.
I will avoid at least to prolong.
I will hide at least to still have something to run from.

You will forget, at least I believe so.
You will leave, yes- this I know so.
You will hurt if I don't disarm you.

I will run, to anywhere away from you.
I will crave to be by your side as I flee from your sight.
I will wish I stayed when I was always first to disappear.

You have pushed me to be who I am.
You have made me into the fragile, yet sure person I am.
You have made me take action when I previously shy away.

I can't find you now; I will discover you soon.
I won't doubt you fully; I will trust you then.
I didn't plan this; hurt just happened.

The i5

Today was a long day.
Yet somehow, i cant sleep.
So much runs through my head as i am sitting in my room in the dark.
My computer screen is killing my eyes and whenever i blink my eyeballs sting and beg me to go to bed.

Today i woke up in my bed at home.
I could hear my sister asking what time church was and i had a mini heart attack thinking we had missed a very important day.
As we all ran to the car, late- par for the molchan family, my stomach was turning.
I couldn't wait any longer.
I was anxious, excited and just happy to see them.
See,there is a family who has changed my life.
I'm not sure if they know that, but they have.
Today i got to be there while 3 of the four of them got baptized. (Mike, sorry- i must have missed yours).

Baptism is one of the most beautiful pictures here on Earth.
Dry, untouched by the water we call Grace we fully submerge ourselves and with ever drop that skates over our skin we die with Christ to live again- covered in His ever present mercy and grace.
It is such a beatiful picture. Not only does it demonstrate what happens to us when we decide to let God take the wheel of our lives, but it also is a snapshot, for others, of our lives.

Testimonies.
They are the resume of the "Christian" culture.
Well, in my case its more of a rap sheet and then the story of the officer on my last warning who wrote me off anyways, even though i was going 90 in a 65. (Not that that would ever happen)
Today i got to hear 3 amazing, sweet and convicting testimonies.
A lot of times in church, we claim to know each other, we get prayer-chain updates and see each other at youth group or camp, but do we ever really get a chance to peer into someones soul like we do when we hear their testimony?

The baptisms were beatituful.
7 people got baptized today but 3 of them were closest to my heart.
You can bet i wore waterproof make up today, in preparation.
The people that got baptized today mean more to me than i can ever express.
As they began to share their testimonies i took my seat at the window of their souls and just started absornbing them.
Just who they are. and Who they are in. 
They care for me, they love me, they put up with me.
They ask about my life even when their lives are 20x buisier than mine.
I know that they are praying for me, and wishing me the best all the time.
They are true.
They are real.
They are love. 
 Today was a long day.
I'm falling asleep in my dorm room tonight.
Biology notes scattered around, my interview outfit hanging and the my bags freshly unpacked.
Today was a beautiful day.

Cali, you have done it again.

School here is different.
Yes, prepare yourselves for a really typical "update" sort of blog.
Sorry.
I love it here, don't get me wrong, but it is very different.
I look for you in the faces i see, i think that has hurt the most.
"Life as a transfer is a rough one!"- she said sarcastically
Yet, behind those words, there is a lot of reality.
I think that the hardest part, for me at least, is that fact that i don't know people.
And that i am stubborn.
I was talking to Luke and he told me i have to branch out, i have to meet people.
After all, i am going to be here the next 3 years.
As much as i want to, i just keep looking for you.
I keep thinking i'll wake up and be in Pennsylvania.
Now, as much as i would love to see all my peeps, that is not where God has me right now.
And i know that.
I just hate change.
It hurts.
a lot. 
Several different things were compromised because of my move, before and after, and that hurts.
But what makes it worth it is my future.
And my today.
I am more than thankful for the friends i have 3 hours ahead of me. i hate to break it to y'all, but you guys are stuck with me for the long run!
But i am also thankful for my friends and family here.
I am thankful for the people here at Simpson and in Redding, who have poured into me and loved me. I am thankful for the friends i am making and the relationships i am cultivating.
Change hurts, and it stings.
I cry over the little Amish state on a regular basis. That will not change anytime soon.
But i rejoice over the people here.
I am thankful for this state and all that it has for me.

expectations.

once was enough.
it was broken.
we can tape, we can hope.
but it was broken.
it is broken.
 once was enough.
just like glass, cracks show.
we can patch, we can fix.
but the damage is done.
the clean, pure surface is gone.
it is broken.
  once was enough.
now there is a lack of trust.
there is a fear of future breaking.
perfection and innocence are over.
it is broken.
    once was enough. 

Stretch Marks and Growing Pains

Hard things are never something that we look at with eyes of desire.
They are never things that we jump into action over.
I suppose that that is why they are labeled hard.
Difficult situations stretch us, they hurt us, they shape us.
They sting us, they even may burn us.
Hard things are never parts of our lives that we desire.
If moments were on inventory no one would select "heartbreak" or "pain".
Being comfortable is something that we need, we crave.
However, in the fictional store of life, "heartbreak" and "pain" have the best long term effects.
They have the best learning experiences.
They teach the most vital lessons.
They shape.
They stretch.
They hurt.
They better us.

unending promises

floating.
i guess.
when you hold your breath.
youre under water and cant breathe yet somehow there is safety.
despite the fact that there is no life you are safe.
slowly water bubbles accumulate on your arms and legs.
youre not even thinking about holding your breath anymore.
slowly you approach that one thought that you normally dont allow to surface.
you see it coming closer and closer to the front of your heart and mind.
your chest is tight but before you know it the secret and hurt is released.
its the safety you crave.
its out in the open and you are freed.
but from what.
because now your lungs demand air.
you grind your teeth together as if that will sustain you.
slowly you float back to the surface.
the vulnerable and open air stings your body.
its shocking but expected.

Buying Into A False Reality

I think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they can dream. Simultaneously, i believe that we don't see our own potential or effect on those around us. We convince ourselves that one person can not have that big of an impact on the world around  us. This thought, this false sense of denial that we are faced with and begin to live in could not be more absurd. dare to see your potential and believe that you- even though you are just one person, that you are enough to be a difference.
enough to make a change and show love in a different way.
i think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they could ever imagine.

Even in my Spiderman Jammies

remember the roundabouts on playgrounds?
the little death traps that looked like they were a promise of a good time, but in reality you got off feeling woozy.
i feel like life is a roundabout.
it looks promising a lot of the time but if you allow yourself to, it can be a sickening ride.
i distinctly remember a birthday party at my friend Stephanie's house. she had a full playground and at the crack of dawn (okay, it was more like 10 A.M but if felt early) we all ran out in our jammies to play. Steph was 11 and we had crowned ourselves the rulers of the playground. i wanted to play pirates but instead we had a competition to see who could stay on the roundabout the longest. --let me interject here really quickly, the word "competitive" does not even start to describe who i am, so even at 10 years old i was determined to take first place.
we all jumped on as her dad started to crank up the piece of equipment we all were grasping onto for dear life.
the weakest links quickly surrendered and jumped off into the tanbark.
i remember hearing my name and seeing blurs of my friends zoom past me.
as my opponents dwindled down i remember my hands were slipping and my leg took the beating for that mistake. (i still have the scar from the piece of wood that pierced me). i couldnt give up.
i wouldnt.
then, one of the worst moments of my little life was about to happen.
before i could do anything my breakfast decided to abandon me on this victory lap and i lost it.
not knowing if my Spiderman Pj's would be able to be redeemed from this disaster i could hear all my friends start screaming i just remember asking, "am i the last one?"
Steph's dad carried me inside where i was pumped with Saltines and Gatorade...nevertheless, the champion.


this little antidote reminds me a lot of life.
you have to fight.
you have to hold on.
and sometimes it gets messy, you get hurt, you lose people, you watch people leave you, but at the end- no matter how awful circumstances are, there is always going to be Someone to carry you to safety and nurse you back to health.
some days it hurts because of who jumped off the ride,
some days that tanbark gets under your skin deeper than you want.
but the end is worth it.
so, dust off your polyester armor and remember that life is somewhat of a roundabout. 

what does kill you.

too often are we wrapped up in our own hurt, frustration, insecurities and pain to see that right across the room someone else is hurting.
make a collaborative effort to pay more attention to others and not stay consumed in your own drama.
make an effort to be nice.
just be nice.
kind words go further than you can imagine.
mean looks stay in others mind for longer than you think.
would it kill you to be nice?
no.
too often are we wrapped up in our own life to see that we are hurting others.
just be nice.

Jet lag & heartbreak

Tonight my heart is heavy. I am preoccupied and restless. 

I don't feel good physically, I'm exhausted emotionally and I'm distracted mentally. 

Tonight i miss my loved ones in PA, a lot. 

No, that doesn't cover it. 

The past few weeks I find myself crying uncontrollably over them. I printed off pictures tonight. We are hugging, laughing, there were some classic baby bump pictures, the works. I thought it was going to work, maybe hold me over..no. 

LBC had it's ups and downs, as anything, but the friendships I have gained from that cold, Mexican foodless state, those friendships mean the world to me. You guys keep me sane, you keep me focused and you keep me laughing (y'all know who you are).

Tonight i am petrified for Simpson. 

Shockingly enough I am most concerned about my dorm decoration, making friends and the fact my biology lab interferes with dinner time. (In that order). I'm nervous about my roommate, meeting her and our relationship. I'm a little annoyed that I have to do orientation...all over again. 

Tonight I am finding any reason to not be okay. 

I hate feeling people's heart beat & when I can feel mine I have to go outside.

Tonight I felt my ticker & walked outside. I reclined in our fancy shmancy lawn chair. 

The stars. 

Speachless. 

I'm tiny. 

I'm a wimp. 

Skype & FaceTime along with plane tickets.

Thursdays I will eat before my lab. 

& ill find someone during WOW week who hates it as much as me. 

Sometimes when you are all you can think about it's wise to take a step back. 

Perspective, yes P, it really makes a hell of a difference 

What is love?

"Love"
It's a lot of things.
Most popularly it is passion. It's kisses and affection. It's a perfectly placed hand on her back or that look from across the room. The look that says more than anyone else knows. Love is known as newlyweds. Love is seen as big diamonds and expensive shoes given as gifts. Love is expressed through "I do" and embodied in children.
Love is a lot.
I think about love a lot.
More than I should.
I think about who I will marry, what life will be like, where we should register & what color I want my bridesmaids to wear. I think about the feeling of "love" . Will I know as soon as I meet Mr. Mine or will it take a while? Have I already met him? Really all I want to know is who this brave man is!
But this week i have been readjusting thoughts, I have been watching what real love is.
True Love is warming up his dentures before he wakes up, waking up at 3 a.m every morning to change his diaper. True love is allowing him to drive even though you have to make sure the lanes are clear before he changes, it's yelling at the top of your lungs just so he can hear you say good morning. True love is reminding him that you're his wife, it's showing him pictures of his grandkids and reviewing their names. It's helping him out of bed & bathing him.
Genuine, true love is for better or for worse.

this will most likely be boring

yesterday i watched a video for an organization that helps provide emergency care for rape victims.
they were selling a product through Sevenly, a website that each week promotes a different non-profit and designs (ADORABLE) apparel for said cause, and i got an email with their promotion video.
as i continued to do research on the organization i quickly found my wallet and purchased a tshirt.
im a sucker for it.
but i dont care.
its worth it.
reading different stories and hearing women tell of their heart break and yet seeing the hope in their eyes. seeing that they are not over; its not over. i flashed back to classes last year at LBC. different cases i had to work through and different scenarios i try to decided what to do with. i got the butterflies.
i am so excited.
i am excited to be knee deep in heart break.
that is probably not something you hear everyday, but its true.
in fact, i hate that i have 3+ years left of school before i can start working.
i dont know where i will be working, i just cant wait.
i cant.

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Please Do Not Bend

Lately things in life have been a little chaotic.  When seasons change, often there is a certain level of uncertainty and frustration. Moving has the same effect on someone. After moving home from school a lot happened. Things just got crazy and i wasn't expecting them to do so.
God has been testing me.
He has been taking things that i thought i "needed" and stripping them away.
It hurts. a lot. That's just me being honest.
It's hard to watch normality fly out the window and have to find a cute headband and chunky earrings that match uncomfortable.
While trying to balance, well no--trying to figure out HOW to balance life at the moment certain people have been like a life-raft.
When i got home yesterday there was a package on my living room floor. I knew exactly who it was from.
I recognized her handwriting as soon as i read my name.
Denae.
I was confused as to what was in the package so i ripped it open. As soon as i did i lost it.
I hadn't cried that hard in a long time.
As i opened the envelope i saw pink paper and pictures of the people i love.
She made me a calendar.
That may seem like nothing to you, but to me...it meant the world.

The front brought tears and as i flipped through the pages, her love and how much she cares about me became more and more evident. 

Pictures of people from home and from at school. She went as far as emailing people and finding out their birthdays so that i would have it on the pages.

Every page has a verse on it to encourage and remind me of the truths i so quickly forget.

Not only do the pictures correspond with whose birthday it is, she also put all Simpson, LBC and PBU holidays and big events.

 This quote is something that she reminds me of all the time. Man, she really loves me. That's what i don't get.

This is the nicest gift i have ever received. She CARES about getting to know me. She cares about investing. The pictures in this could not be more accurate and could not display my heart better. She included the most important people in my life and it was complete with drawings and all :)

After i flipped through all the months an envelope fell off my bed

  I felt it and it was thick. I though it was extra pictures so i smiled. 

When i opened it my knees gave out and i fell over. 

That seems dramatic, but like i said, i am still trying to figure out how to balance.

Out of the envelope fell a handful of folded binder paper. 

She wrote me a letter for every month of the year. People, i don't get it. I really don't. 

The letters not only overwhelmed me but it was God giving me a reminder. 

I don't like being cliche. I think that has a lot to do with knowing people who are cliche and i just don't like being the same as other people. Anyone who knows me knows i am not exactly "typical". I am a handful and i know that. I have a lot of issues and i would rather ask about how other peoples lives are going. I would rather help others, i pour into others lives and in many cases i care too much. I will invest more in others than they invest in me and that hurts. It really does. Denae is the exception. She has continually poured into me and invested in me EVEN through all my drama, she has always been there. EVEN from 9 states away she has the perfect timing. 

God has been stripping me of somethings i thought i couldn't live without and He has been reminding me of the things that even though i am not living with, they still are the most important.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

Rust

It takes over faster than you would think. 

It conseals itself well and slowly invades. 

It doesn't march in loud and take over like enemy soldiers. 

It army crawls in, under the radar and submerges itself into normalcy. 

It becomes part of the scenery for most. 

It twists your view of what should be and soon defines "correct". 

It lies but it is now the truth. 

It is sort of appealing yet has a certian mysterious sense about it. 

It is unknown yet familiar. 

It is tomorrow. 

 

it's 1:30 there

Do not allow the fact that you have never experienced something to prohibit you from showing grace and love to those who are walking a road you can't even turn down. 

Uncertainty and determining it all at the same Time

It is a beautiful compromise. This is where your hurt & self hate marry you're prettiest smile & wildest aspirations. 

Words of wisdom and affirmation slip between the cracks while the negative glances and painful silences quickly dissolve the small traces of hope. The monster in your dreams turns out to be the reflection in store windows 

It's hard to discern exactly how to breathe when straddling this line. There is an uncertainty & mystery that is infused with promise

There is so much of you that desires to be demanded. To put a price or value on a person is a strange concept. That's just the thing, if you're too busy trying to define what would be a fair trade for your heart, then the real value is hidden. 

We dance around the idea of "unique". For so long we search for an identity. We yearn for the feeling wanted. 

It's a scary feeling, an uncertain rush. Heart beat's rapid, thoughts jumping and sweaty hands. 

It's a compromise after all. It's a blind date; it's a surprise party. 

Intentions are mostly pure, results are always different 

Lifeguard

I am a swim coach. I teach kids from the ages of 8 months to 15 years old. A lot of the kids can swim and we just work on technique but some of the children can’t. Their life is literally in my hands. As I tread in the deep end their little legs wrap tightly around my thigh. “Miss Emily, PLEASE don’t let me go!”

It takes a lot of trust for those little ones to allow me to hold them.

Even though they know that they cannot swim or touch the ground, some of my students try to be independent too quickly.

Instead of waiting on the step for her turn, she slowly steps down to the next step. The water getting closer to her mouth, yet she is fearless. She is creeping up on the edge of safety. I check over my shoulder and see that she is almost prematurely independent. I take 6 steps, landing right behind her. As she realizes that she over estimated herself and starts to panic, my arm slides under her body before water gets in her nose.

“I’m sorry Miss Emily! I’ll sit still till my turn, I'm sorry!”

Sometimes- I am that student.

I think I know what is best for me and I try to trick God while He isn’t looking. As I slide down the steps and fear consumes me I feel His hand gently secure me.

Sometimes we think we can jump into the deep end when really we don’t even know how to breathe on our own.