Old playlists

I drive down the street that I know so well.
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

one hundered and one.

It's been 101 days since i moved.
101 days of Pennsylvania.
101 days away from home.
It has been completely different than what i thought it would be. As i stepped onto that plane with my mom i never could have expected what would take place this semester.
No, this is not going to be a typical "look how far i have come" thing. That is not really how i do things. What this is is a testament to how far CHRIST has brought me.
Packing up my life and moving out here was no easy task, i be the first to admit that. However, i know that the only thing that kept me from going insane and losing it (more than a typical girl does) was my relationship with God.
I am not worthy of this. At all.
I don't understand how time and time again i can fail Him and He continues to let me come back to His arms.
I am not worthy at all.
And that is what is so amazing.
These last 101 days have been tough. At the same time, they have been really great. God has been showing me who i need to be THROUGH Him, not just alone. Nothing i do is because of who i am, it is all because of Him.
When i first moved here i didn't have anyone. Yes, i had been texting my roommate over the summer but i didn't know her, know her. I had no one. And as hard as that was, and sometimes is...i would never take back this semester. I have been forced to be completely dependent on Christ for everything. Do you know how scary that is? In all honesty, think about your comfortable christian life. Do you surrender everything to Him? Do you commit everything you do to Him? I am going to assume that you do not. I know that i don't. Once i got comfortable here i stopped. I was lukewarm and okay with that.

101 times i woke up in this room. Pictures of old and new friends plastered to all the walls. The fears and alienation had drifted away by around day 20. I was comfortable and going day to day.
Well thank God that He has sweet reminders. These can look like your loved ones being hospitalized. It can look like missing your baby sisters freshman year and ALL that that entails. It can look like the guy you had feelings for hurting you. It can look like stress on a friendship, God can make it look like anything. But as the days go on, and the trials pass i get a glimpse of what He is doing. Whenever i get comfortable, He comes alongside me and says, "Do you forget who i am?". If we are being honest, i do. I forget all the time. I get so caught up in the details.
My hero always tells me, "Enjoy the journey, not just the destination".
101 days of my journey are over. I can say with confidence that i have enjoyed some days more than others, but that overall this semester has taught me to remember who is fighting for me.

101 days ago i was not the girl i am today.
101 days have built my relationship with the Lord more than i could have ever imagined.

So Be It

mel·an·chol·y Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom

I start to feel this way a lot.&I feel like im just settling and not really living each day to it's fullest. Like i am miss-using this time. I never really wanted to say that out loud because heaven forbid i ever say something like that. It's drastic to even think that but in all honesty i can say that i feel slightly depressed. I want my life to consist of more than just school, homework, meals. I want to be able to be joyful, not just happy. i want to content with where i am now, not with where i am going to be.

God is so great, no matter what I do, no matter how far I wander He still calls me His own.
No matter what is going on in my life I want to always have a giant hole that can only be filled with Jesus' name.

These feelings of emptiness are what i need, they are reminders to me that if I'm not completely submerged in scripture and Christ I Will feel incomplete.

I had an amazing conversation about all of this with my close friend. We shared our hurt and frustration just with friendships and relationships. As we talked our words paired up. We were on the same track. We made a pact to everyday text each other a yes or a no depending on if we felt empty that day and if we did that we would encourage each other and put God first.

I'm thankful for rude and hurtful awakenings. I'm thankful for feelings of depression . And I'm so thankful for that friend.
Above all I'm thankful for Christ tugging on the strings of our hearts.

If feeling depressed is what needs to happen for me to realize that I need to fall deeper in love with My Maker then Amen.

I'm used to hating this

I'm used to everyday's. I'm used to quick drives to your house. I'm used to conversations without words. I'm used to throwing our heads back in laughter.I'm used to Java. I'm used to inside jokes. I'm used to unexpected trips and I'm used to turning around and seeing you.

It's so different without you.
It's harder than i thought.
It's lonely.
It's a test of my endurance.
It's a little more than i thought it was going to be.

I hate texting. I hate letters. I hate counting down. I hate having to explain myself. I hate having to record my day and sending it to you. I hate 9 different states and i hate where you are.

I am jealous of Hollister.
I am jealous of people who have you every day.
I am jealous of that passenger seat.
And am jealous of that stupid sun visor.
But
I believe in December 14th.
I believe one month of us.
I believe in sushi dates.
I believe in the trips we will take to Gilroy.
I believe in matching outfits.
I believe in too many pictures.
I believe in beach trips and long nights.

I ask God why it hurts so much. I ask God why it is taking so long. I ask Him what the point is.
& it's clear to me

He's teaching me that December is the definition of Grace.

far more

As the fog thickens steps begin to take more effort.

The trust and dependence in your sight is lessening as you inch further along. 

The path is not visible and you are frightened. 

The whispers in the wind are getting to your head. 

These demons of deception should not bring you down. 

Their steps are not yours. 

You are not with them. 

They swarm around you and you freeze. 

As you inhale your skin crawls and your gaze is interrupted.

All the failures and mistakes you have made flash before you. 

The haze you are now in is controlled by fear. 

Why are you afraid of the potential you hold?

They do not know you nor your future. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Your father hand picked the stars that guide the path. 

He crafted the Moon that is reflecting on the ponds surface. 

Push through this turmoil

Run past this hurt. 

These hypocrites do not define you. 

As you depend on the maker of the ground, take your stance. 

Move past this evil, stale air. 

You were made for more than fear. 

You were handcrafted my dear. 

I Don't Want To Hear It

You're under water and can't hold your breath one more second.

You're holding on and your grip is slipping. 

You're walking on a tight rope and about to lose your footing. 

It's like a cold winters day. 

From the warmth of your living room it looks so beautiful. 

When you are stuck in the snow and wind, its awful. 

You consider risking what you have valued most for this feeling. 

Compromises and weighing the pros and cons becomes part of your everyday language. 

You try and act as if it's all under control. 

You laugh and smile but at night it still stings. 

You go on with your life, stop at stop signs and applaud when it is called for. 

You are no longer looking for what you have always wanted. 

Now you are searching for what you once had. 

It's dark and it's cold. 

Your closest ones can turn so quickly. 

All you've known is now a mystery. 

You're under water and now are drowning. 

Your fingers just let go.

You are now falling to the ground below. 

I had to journal for english

Today I went to my stop and saw an envelope. My heart started racing, I knew who it was from and I was more than excited for it! The return address was stamped Azusa Pacific, the college my best friend goes to. I wanted to scream. Almost late for class I gripped my letter tight and walked briskly to class. I ripped open the letter once I was in my seat. Just seeing her handwriting made me heart ache with happiness. My eyes glided over the stationary and the comments she had written,  and I literally laughed out loud. I kept re-reading the hilarious comments and was smiling like an idiot. I traced the impressions her handwriting made on the cardstock and tears started to form. I hadn’t even opened her letter yet and I was already an emotional wreck. As I read the words of love and encouragement I just started to smile. There were words of truth, words of affirmation and words of love. The loudest words in the whole letter were the ones of promise. The ones that begged me to stay in her life. Little does she know, the letter I wrote her today proposed the same thing.

As I sat in my seat smiling and crying I began to just pray and ask God why He has me so far away from her. Why do I have to send her voice recordings because we can’t talk on the phone long distance. Why do I have to send her to Facebook to look up my friends or people to stalk. Why do I text her, “Good morning” before she is even awake. Why is her lunch time my dinner time. Why? Why! Why?! I started getting frustrated and angry with the distance. My best friend and I are separated by 9 states. 9.

That is not okay. It’s not fair and it is not easy. But what it does scream to me is the definition of our friendship. It shows me that even though we are so far away and it hurts me so deeply, that it’s okay.

I never really thought about “long distance relationships” other than dating. And I put the kibosh on that because my attention span is not that long, but now I see it in a light that is so different. Yes, I hate everything about the distance. Let me reassure you about that, but what I love is that there has not been one day since August 20 that I have not talked to her. There have been countless photos sent and voicemails left. There have been quotes and Facebook posts and im spending all my money on stamps to send the letters I write every day. Yes this stings my heart and I have break downs. I miss her to the point where I get sick to my stomach but God is good. ALL THE TIME.

He is using this season in my life as a way of teaching me dependence on Him and that through Him, all things are possible. Even being 9 states away from your partner in crime, your secret holder, your best friend and your own personal gift from God.

No words

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write out what i feel.
Trying to find a way to communicate my thoughts and my emotions.
I'm drawing a blank.
I am not used to this silence.
But that's just the thing.
Silence is what i have been being taught.
God has been showing me that sometimes i need to just run to His throne and be silent.
I stood in worship today and just held my hands high & closed my mouth.
Here in Pennsylvania i am able to enter the presence of the Almighty Creator of the stars hanging on the deep blue backdrop and the maker of the grass below my feet.
He is with me, always.
I think in desperate situations i forget this.
I get so wrapped up in making sure that i pray for healing, forgiveness or restoration that i forget He is right by my side.
I forget the power He holds.
I urge you, don't let yourself be stuck in the motions.
When things are good your relationship with God hits the back burner- be honest.
And when there is a trial we go weeping for His help.
Yes, He is always there for us but i want to be engulfed in His love on the best and the hardest days of this season.
I want to constantly be reminded of His Glory.
I want to be so wrapped up in His love that i can't even voice how i feel.
I want Him to be my All.

capital A

I walked into youth group and she was standing against the wall.

Automatically i put up a guard. 

She and her husband were new to our youth group so i had no idea who she was. They were here to start being involved in the high school kids of Grace but i didn't care. 

I was scared and really, if i am honest, i wasn't looking for another person to come into my life and disappoint me. 

Well. 

God had a different plan. 

Fast forward about a year and we reach today, her birthday. 

In between that Wednesday night and this Monday i have grown to appreciate, look up to and love this woman. 

If you look up her name, Parisa, you might find a definition of "Fairy like" or "Angel or like an angel" and those don't really sum up all that she is, but they do a decent job.

She has been such an amazing gift to me in my life. Not just as a youth leader, but she is one of the people who i miss to the point where i hurt. I know that i can text her, NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS, and she will reply. Be it a text about a boy or a God question, she always has wisdom on the topic. God gives and God takes away- i believe this with all my heart and Parisa was placed in my life right as the waters really got rough. 

I flash back to all the conversations we have had at her dining room table, or the study dates where she has challenged me. I see her taking me to get blood drawn and i see her name on my phone as i call her after diagnosis's  are made. I see her at camp as we had our one-on-one...that is one of my favorite memories. That day was a big day for me and after too many tears and releasing my fears i made a big step, Thanks be to God. She has effected me so greatly since she has been in my life and i honestly can say i do not know what i would do without her. 

So, pArisa- i just want to say thank you for the last year of your life. Thank you for pouring into me and counseling me through the tough days & celebrating with me on the joyful occasions. 

I love you and i hope that today you get to spend time Tim and your babies :) 

Thank you, for everything! 

Happy Birthday! 

Still

I see You today.

   Everywhere I turn, im reminded of Your heart.

   Even in the deepest hurt, 

i still see You.

   The tears begin to fall.

   Their tracks stain my cheeks black and as i stop for air,

i see You. 

   Today is easy & flows, my steps are light and my heart is full.

   As i throw my head back in laughter i pause and 

i see You. 

   I sit alone and hear crickets buzz, the wind brushes up

   against my face.I glance below

   and a trail of ants all neatly in a line march right under my chair. A midst these

   creatures i pause and 

i see You. 

   The clouds roll in as we gather around that hospital bed. I try to cry but i'm

    convinced im out of tears.

   I shake my fist in anger and as i do, i stop and

i see You. 

   In every avenue, through every trial,

    laughter and during the pain, 

i see You. 

With Half of My Heart

This summer i spent a lot of time with the ones who i love most.
Late night drives, bonfires, swimming, beach trips- despite how much i hate the beach-, camp, the early mornings of VBS, and the late night talks.
So much of my heart is cultivated in that small town 3 hours behind this campus. So many memories are splattered all over San Benito.
As i landed in Washington DC i had so many mixed feelings. I was irritated that i had so much luggage and that the 3 children on my 4 hour flight did not take a nap. I was worried about meeting my roommate and RA. I was scared about orientation and finding all i needed for my dorm room.
Most of all, i was worried about making friends.
But...
God is good.
So good.
He has placed a great group of people in my life.
God has been teaching me something lately...i need to be more thankful.
I love my friends back home, that is not a question.
But i don't think that one can truly know how much people mean to them till they are forced to move, at least that is what happened to me.
I have just really been in shock of how lucky i am. I have amazing friends here. These people really care.
I guess i just put God in a box and thought i would never get another group of good friends.
Well, i was wrong.
Don't worry,i still and always will love my friends back home.
 i still call them while i walk from class to class and try to squeeze in too many stories where it gets to the point where i'm out of breath.
I still text them & skype them.
I still love them.
That is not going to change. If anything, i love and appreciate them so much more.
When i see a text from one of you i smile like an idiot-don't worry.
It is so hard to remember what time it is there so please forgive me for the calls that wake you up.
There are days where i have break downs, that won't change.
There are days i sit and read my goodbye letters.
There are days where i go on Facebook and just look through old pictures

I miss this group of girls

I miss the closeness of us

I REALLY MISS THE JOKES AND LAUGHS WITH HER

I miss my definition of Grace

I miss being understood when i get a little ghetto 

I miss high school...a little

I miss my twins and momma bear

But, don't worry.
God has been so gracious in giving me a group of people here who i am growing to really love.
A group where i can do my loud laugh and i only get made fun of a little ;)
A group where God is the center of out conversations.
A group where we are all different.
A group where it doesn't matter...

Im thankful for closeness 

Im thankful for laugher

Im thankful for peace

Im thankful for family

So yes,
Part of me stayed home as i hugged Deshae and Kelly at the airport that tear filled Monday night,
but the other part of me that is here is completely comfortable.
I don't know where you are in this equation, but i don't care.
Distance does not matter, time and friendship does.
God is good...
doesn't matter if i've known you since diapers, jr. high or orientation.

First Place

I guess for so long I've been trying to find my identify in other things. I was for so long "emily the homeschooler" or "emily who went to Calvary" etc.
Everyone around me had a title, And I've always had a little bit of a problem finding out what My title was.
My closet isn't full of warm ups & I can't cook to save my life. I don't know how to tap dance & I've never had a lead roll in a play. I'm not a 4.0 student & I'm not super crafty.
For the longest time that bothered me. I don't qualify for a certain genre of girl.
God has really been teaching me something to lately...it doesn't matter I I haven't set any state records, my portfolio does not define me.
And the mindset that believes that is toxic.
The mindset I am determined to have is this one: the outlook that says , " I'm the daughter of a King".
That to me is all that matters.
Yes, I try my hardest on my school work & I am not just going to skate by but who I am on paper is meaningless if who I am In His eyes is none existent.

Stop #188

"It's crazy to me how hospitable and loving some people are."
This thought has been running through my mind all week.
On Monday I said goodbye to the town I grew up in and to the people I love the most. As I sat down in the window seat, tear tracks visible through my foundation. I pressed my face against the glass & said goodbye to home. Goodbye to all things that were somewhat familiar.
It wasn't fear that was consuming my thoughts, I don't exactly know what it was. It was a feeling ive never felt.
I tried to get some sleep but it was an unrealistic goal. As I got closer to My destination I felt a calming presence. I wasn't worried, I was sad, actually devastated, I left all that I knew, I traded it for a foreign town. All my inside jokes left their audience & all My quirks left their safe zone. But even with this overwhelming sadness I felt, I knew I'd be alright.
As I stepped on campus the sorrow didn't disappear but it was sedated, there was an unrealistic amount of love here and all the sudden I knew I was going to be okay.
I've lived here less than a week and yet already I feel so at home.
I'm not used to it here, to manners and to respectful males, I'm not used to people genuinely wondering how my day went. These people who don't even know my story still love me.
"it's crazy how hospitable and loving some people are",
This thought consumes me & every time someone acts in love or kindness I am astounded once again.
Nowhere can replace Hollister and the memories carved into my home town, but, there is a certain consistent language of love here. A intangible feeling of acceptance and an intense love for Jesus and others.

Yes, she's taller

I get really scared that since I'm moving away for college I am going to miss out on my little sisters life.
I'm not going to be here for prom, or for her first football game, homecoming or there for her during finals week.
I get really scared that she's going to get beat up at school or that someone is going to be mean to her & that I wont be there to defend her honor.
I love my sister more than words can describe...I am so proud of her, of her choices and just of who she is becoming.
I get really scared that with this unbearable distance in-between us that we are going to drift apart...but today in the car as we were drivin around town, I realized that my relationship with her is built on more than just similar tastes in music or tv shows. Our relationship is built on the love we share for Christ Jesus and the love we have for each other.

I get scared when I think about leaving but it makes Christmas break all the more sweeter

By Grace Alone

19. I never thought I would shake due to a number, never though it would make me break down. I was wrong. There is nothing more that I hate than that number; there is nothing that excites me more than 19.
I guess I am just going to get used to crying. That's my mindset. I tried to fight it today. Actually for the past few weeks. I suppose that I'm so upset about 19 because I finally have my bestfriend back and now I'm leaving. I have to pack all my clothes, take down all my photos and shove my shoes somewhere, hop on a plane and say goodbye to California for 6 months. I've never been so excited and so freaking scared at the same time. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready to go without my smiles, without my boys& without the girls I hold so close.
I am grateful for the time I've had with them, but I feel cheated.
I guess that I'm okay with crying, cause I'm not hurting, I'm full of joy in fact. Getting used to the stomach turning fact of leaving the ones I love will take a while, but for now- now I'm just going to seize the day. Enjoy all the smiles and take too many pictures

19 is scary. 19 more days, 19 more sunsets on the west coast. 

But 19- you can not rob me of my joy & of the memories i am making with the ones i love 

Scotch tape and long lists

Today i sat in my room with Kelly, one of my dearest friends.
I was complaining about the fact that i can't take a DIY project to school because its too big and wont fit in my suit case.
Horrible, i know.
We were discussing dorm decorations and what we were going to take.
I looked around my room- the walls covered in pictures, quotes and posters of my favorite boys- i started pointing to what i wanted to take and what i would leave behind.
I checked my "countdown app" and a scary number appeared.
5 weeks.
Whoa, it is really sneaking up on me!
A few hours later i was in the car with Kell and our friend Shae, another gift from God.
We were blasting ghetto music and making complete fools out of ourselves.
And it didnt matter.
And that fact, that is what makes me love these girls.
That is what has made this summer so amazing.
I have been going nonstop and am actually kind of exhausted but at the same time i dont want to stop.
After driving and screaming at the top of our lungs we swung by Round Table to see my mom and sister & the cast of the current play to steal some pizza and congratulate them on a show well done.
I stopped and looked around while there were so many different conversations going on.
Even though i hate theater, with a fire passion, im so thankful for these people. I am thankful that they are a good group of kids for my baby sister to hang out with when i am gone, im thankful that she has something that she can do with her mom. im just thankful.
Today was a big reminder, yeah- i need to start thinking about packing up all my things(that fit in my suit case that is) and start looking for bed spreads that i want, today really just was a genuinely good day.
Smiles, laughs, memories and pictures that i can't forget
I really forget how blessed i am and today i was reminded of it all.

And it doesn't even matter

Have you been scared? Scared of leaving what you know, leaving behind the friends and the familiar faces. Have you ever been scared that maybe what you knew was not what was best for you. Have you ever been scared that what you're comfortable with actually brings out the worst in you. Have you ever looked back and seen your previous choices and regretted almost every single one? I have.
I felt that drop my stomach, where your palms get sweaty and your heart beats rapidly. I've been there and I've had that fear. But out of heartbreak comes your greatest strengths and out of sorrow comes your most defining moments. Out of hurt becomes your biggest triumphs and out of the trial comes a new and perfected love ready to blossom.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is it we all have hard times, we all experience heartbreak, we might even be the ones to inflict others with these feelings but the most important thing to know is that you don't have to be a continual repeat and you don't have to live in a habitual cycle. Letting go of some things can be difficult and sometimes those things are ripped out of your grasp. what we need to look at the end of the day is what you don't have to hold on to. Those who matter most are going to be the people that are there when you can't hold on anymore. Those are the people who matter

до свидания

It spills over the edge like water from a river slowly but surly making its way to a waterfall. With every drop of water you're forced into a comatose & your thoughts are printed bright and boldly right in front of you: 

"regret"

it burns into your eyes and no matter where you try to focus your attention on the words are shoved into your vision.All the sudden you're watching yourself, you scream and outstretch your arm as if you can help the inevitable. Tears roll down your face as you watch yourself fall for lie after lie. You see the "past you" slip into a sort of unconscious behavior. It's like you are standing with your back to a current and the "present you" knows your about to be swept under but there is absolutely nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

 "regret"

 The word flashes bright again. You try to believe "no regrets, live passionately and never look back" but then you take time to analyze your current and past hurts and your very existence is a rebuttal to that theory.     The water has swept you under and there is no use fighting it anymore. The "past you" is hurting and soon the "past you" and the "present you" morph into one- You look back & the drops of water fling over the edge & the waterfall runs into a stream- the current hurts but there is peace after the swells you've been stuck in, but as you look back 

"regret"

Forgiveness, Hope & Frozen Greek Yogurt

I have been thinking. A lot. About so much. My mind floats away to different sections of my life & so much bubbles to the surface. Some of these thoughts scare me so i put them back, such as the fact that i am going to be moving clear across the country and leaving behind my best friends and my family- but lets not talk about that. I think about my definition of happiness.
Man has it changed drastically.
But i guess what my main point of this is that that is okay.
No one can define your life. You have to do that on your own. Trust me. I've done that and there is NOTHING rewarding about it.
I think the most defining points of my most recent life was the moment when i let go
of hurt, resentment, fear and of my krypronite. When you hold on to hurt and to lies, when you store them in your heart slowly they destroy. Their corruption starts in your center and slowly discolors and infects every area of your life...

We as a people need to realized what and who are important in our lives.
Because once the negitive and painful memories are gone there is room for better, sweeter and more supportive memories to be stored & saved.

Joy:

Grace

God's provision 

Faith

Light in the dark

Restoration 

God given 

Blood 

Renewal 

Comical 

I've been thinking a lot.
About a lot.
Yeah- originally i was excited about going to PA for school because i had not a single string tying me to CA...
i was wrong.

Forget Me Not

He sat across the table from me telling a story i knew but couldn't listen to.
I tried to block out the words as he told them, but my ears wouldn't close.
He painted such a vivid picture in my mind, it's like i was there.
It was worse than i had imagined and as my eyes filled to the brim with tears i distracted myself.
Listening to the words of sorrow spill over the table i started thinking about my relationship with him. About how much he meant to me. I went back to sophomore year when i had class with him Tuesday- Friday at too-early-oclock in the morning. I went back to the talks he would give me about boys and about how i deserved better. I went back to the day when Max died how he was there. I went back to my 17 min. long hug on my 17th birthday. I went back and i smiled.
But then my mind drifted to the few months where he was gone. It got dark as i remembered de-friend-ing him. And even darker when i would walk by and see him at school and not be able to just run up an hug him.
But then i fast forwarded to this evening. Seeing him at my party just makes my heart happy.
When we graduated and walked out of the aisles of plastic white chairs i was hugging him. The end of high school and i finally had him back. When we hugged for our photo op in our caps and gowns i wanted to cry.
This boy means so much to me i really can't handle it.
I guess what they say is so true- you do not know what you have until its gone.
 i know that he is going to school far away from me and i know that we have had our up's and down's but i hope he knows how much he means to me. i love him so much and i am so proud of who he is.
He have been through so much and yet he lights up a room when he walks into it. I am so blessed to have him in my life and i love him to the moon and back.I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is going places in life and i hope he knows i support him and will always be here for him.

He sat across the table from me and i remembered how blessed i am.

Life as i see it

Some people do not realize what they have until its gone. 

God gives and God takes.

Sometimes gratitude is 3 steps behind and once it's forever missing

your heart breaks. 

Some people are spotlights on situations. 

They shine so bright and around them no one is sad. 

Some people are blessings, 

handed from the heavens and a life jacket for those who can't swim. 

Some people are rocks.

Rocks that hold us down but we can't let go of. 

Some people are mirrors.

You look into their eyes and know they struggle just like you. 

They hurt and laugh at the very same thing. 

Some people are like shadows, 

as soon as everyone's backs are turned 

they evaporate into the air & are gone 

It's like they were never really there. 

Life is about people and about reason. 

Its about dancing in the rain & withstanding all the pain. 

Some people know who to turn to when the going gets tough 

but some people peace out when the road gets rough. 

Lee & Me

Do you ever wonder what God is thinking?
Why you go through certain trials or highs in life?
Do you ever wonder what you were thinking?
Ever just stop and look around and think, "wow- i am so blessed"?
Today has been one of those days.
Yes there are things in my life that at this very moment i would LOVE to get rid of- but at the same time i would not know what to do without.
My mom and i had a really long conversation this evening about a lot of stuff. We talked about boys, girls, church and college.
I love my mom so much and she is one of the things in life that i can not imagine not having.
Anyways, she really helped me see something today.
She explained to me that sometimes in any relationship, we are all tools. God uses us in the smallest or biggest ways possible. And in relationships where i may feel useless & unwanted- God knows that i am the perfect fit.
I sometimes forget that God is in control. I get so wrapped up in the hurt and in the drama of it all that i just want to scream, cry and give up. But i just am learning that God gives and God takes away & i need to just sit back, let Him take the wheel and really soak up life and the blessings and trials that come about.
So here is to the summer...no, just this next week.
To getting through it with a smile on my face & joy in my heart.
Here is to Joy when i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

P R A Y

"no, it's fine i already ate" she said as her stomach turned.
It was a lie, but that lie was her biggest comfort.
She goes home to a house that's not safe.
She walks to school and as she passed by the parked cars she glances at her reflection.
but instead of seeing the beautiful girl that she is, she sees one thing.
she sees her doubt.
She sees her pain.
She sees failure.
She sees all her past attempts at popularity.

For so long the girl she has been is not the girl that is good enough.
For so long she has been the shadow, and not that lead.
For so long she has been crying herself to sleep.
She bleeds and feels no pain, she screams and hears no sound.
She's alone in a sea of people & lost on a guided trail.

She wraps her arms around the only safe place she knows.
Her vision blurs and her heart excels.
The hurt she has been harboring soon is free.
The water swirls around the pain and then it's gone.
She has control and she feels worth.

Ashamed and alone she crawls to the door.
She is weak and she is scared.
Scared its more than a habit.
She leans her head on the cold tile wall as tears flood her eyes;
She has fallen too far and it not valid in anyone's eyes.

She has been lied to!
All that she believes is fiction.
All she trusts has no support.
All that is real to her is imaginary.
For so long she has been disguising.
Disguising the empty part of her soul.
Camouflaging her stomachs emptiness with the smaller size jeans.

She is broken!
Do not let her go to far.
Do not let her break right here.
More people than you know have suffered or will suffer from an eating disorder.
If you know anyone who is please just pray for them.
Pray for their heart and for their soul; that they would realize that their worth does not come from what size jeans they wear but it comes from who they are and most especially who died for them!
Pray Jesus just wraps them in His arms and His love.
Just pray.

To This Day

Around a year ago, I lost my little cousin, Max. He had leukemia and lost his 6 yearlong battle in May 2011.

I have never been so hurt, never felt so alone, and never been so sad.

nevertheless losing Max has had a positive effect on me.

What should have been T-ball, Monster trucks, pirates and Lego's was turned into Chemotherapy, Dr. trips and IV's.

Sometimes i forget about the hurt and the pain my family went through. I forget about the loss and the deep emptiness. But when it hits me- it hits me like a ton of bricks. It hit me tonight. I couldnt stop crying. 

When i think about how hard it must be for my aunt and for my uncle, i just break. 

I love those two people with all of my heart. I love them to the point where i just hurt for them. But what i do know and what i do feel is pure admiration. 

Those two people, beyond a shadow of a doubt are my heroes. 

We don't talk, i don't see them very often but that does not matter. 

I love them so much and i am so proud of them and so excited to see where God is taking them. 

I just sometimes don't know how to feel about this all. 

I guess you could say that i am angry...angry that life is so short- that we are just a fleeting moment. But im also mad at myself. Im mad that i don't take advantage of the time God has given me here.Max's life was changed drastically and in turn so was mine. Max is a daily inspiration to try my hardest, live to the fullest and to thank God for every day. 

Just so you know: you inspire

I sat down against the wall miles away from home. I looked over to my friend and just smiled. I was here. I was scared. I  was nervous. I was so excited.
 I watched perfect strangers talk, joke, and do homework.
As the door swung open and she walked in, i saw something. Something different. She came in and commanded attention. She told a story that left us all laughing and there was a certain kind of mystery about her.
Later in my visit i broke. There were certain events that led to this point & once i got there the tears would not stop. I took a leap and went to where she was.
"Are you busy?"
Of course she dropped everything and told me to sit down.
My original plan: just tell her bare minimal and ask her to pray for you, nothing else.
NOPE.
That did not happen. She was so welcoming, so empathetic and so loving.
I was so nervous to open up, too worried about what she would think.
You see, even though yes- i had just met her and really knew nothing about her, i looked up to her.
She was bold, beautiful, and so understanding.
As i sat on that couch with her overlooking the parking lot and chapel time froze.
As the minute hand stopped God spoke to me. It was as if He was saying,
 "See, you thought that no one understood, you thought that you were alone. No, you are not alone."
Year after year i told her my story. My hurts, my struggles- it all was out on the table.
I was vulnerable- something that i hate. But it was okay, i was okay.
As my eyes flooded and my heart poured out onto that dorm room floor she was there for me. Right by my side.
She pulled up a word document on her lap top and as she read it i just closed my eyes.
God is so bold in her life. She is so dependent on Him.
As i looked through the window i felt like i was looking into her soul. Yes there was pain, mistakes and hurt, but what i saw is all that matters- the cross. I saw forgiveness and i saw redemption. i also saw hope.
I saw that God's promises real. I saw that the nights of tears and moments of regrets do work for good.
i saw so much maturity.
That word document that she read to me changed my life. She printed me a copy and i almost can quote it for you. It shows me my worth, it shows me God's love. It shows so much.
I couldn't even tell you this girls last name but i can tell you this.
I was scared about going to college on the East coast, i was scared to leave home, i was scared to leave behind all my friends here. I was doubtful that i would make friends, i was insecure and i was sick about starting new relationships.
But, because of her- im excited about going to college on the East coast, i'm not worried about leaving my home, i know that i'll make new friends. Im sure that my worth is through Christ, and if i forget that- the words she printed out for me are tucked safely in my wallet.
I can say that my trip to the East coast was amazing, it was fun & there were a lot of laughs and memories made, but just so you know, Megan- you inspire me.

Believe me

i believe in a God of miracles
i believe in a God who makes the blind see
i believe in a God who makes the lame walk
i believe in a God who restores broken lives
i believe in a God who rose again
i believe in a God who promises not to forsake me
i believe in a God who has never once said a bad thing about me
i believe in a God who died for me
i believe in a God who defends me
i believe in a God who is the GOD of all gods.
i believe in a God who loves me.
i believe in a God who knows how i feel
i believe in a God who will never leave me.


Reassurance is key.
Temptations to not believe are bold.
Faith is believing without seeing so i will to close my eyes to the hurt and jump into His truth

You Could Say So

I'm under the water and it's all a blur.
i stop.
i think.
I'm under the water yet it's all so dirty.
My hurts, my fears, my complaints, my desires.
It's all there right in front of me.
Sometimes i forget it.
Grace, that is.
I forget that there is a plan i dont know about; i misplace my map and start to panic.
I'm under the water and its all so clear.
i stop.
i think.
i smile.

To my Mister

my phone vibrates and i don't even look at it. i know its not you so why bother? i continue on with my day and nothing really is that different. Its not that im sad im actually really happy. Life is good. friends are marvelous and my family is close. i go to school to sit and learn, lunch and break are my favorite parts. I smile, i laugh. I cry and i hurt. Its not that im sad, im actually really happy. I go to work and love it. I get splashed and giggle. I call my students by whichever superhero they are that day and i smile till i clock out. I drive home and end up in a haze. Its not that im sad, im actually really happy. i go on dates and get the butterflies. I sit in church and learn such great lessons. I play ball with my boys and shop with the girls. but at the end of the day as i try to slip into wonderland there is a piece of me sneaking out of the door into the dark cover of the night. Its not that im sad, im actually really happy. That part of me flows to the outside and the search is on.
they're looking for you.
I have a list of my wants and plans but it leaves that behind and is finding you.
You will love me and you will care.
You'll listen when i talk but shut me up when it's right.
You'll come shopping with me and never say i look fat.
You'll take me to dinner and refuse not to pay.
You'll act like you know which curtain looks better
&
You'll vote on what shoes i purchase.
I dont know what you look like, your age or your eyes but i do know this.
Right now your phone vibrates and you don't look at it. You know its not me so why bother? you continue on with your day and nothing really is that different. Its not that your sad,  youre actually really happy. Life is good. friends are supportive and your family tight knit. youre in school zoning out in class, lunch and break zoom by. you smile, you laugh. You cry and you hurt. Its not that youre sad, youre actually really happy. you go to work and love it.You drive home and your music is too loud. Its not that yorue sad, yorue actually really happy. You go on dates and get the butterflies. You pull out their chairs and listen to their stories. You sit in church and learn such great lessons. You play ball with your boys and consul your girl friends but at the end of the day as you try to slip into your dreams there is a piece of you lingering outside in the dark obis. Its not that youre sad, your actually really happy. But that part of you flows to the outside and the search is on.
Youre looking for me & where i am.
Youre not quite sure where i am or who i am.
But let me reassure you, i will love you.
I'll go to games & cheer by your side
I'll pretend to know about cars and care about guns.
I'll help you find clothes that match and fall in love with your cologne.

Its not that life without you is sad, its just not what it could be.

Memories

And here are some of the best.

Betsy Birthday

Halloween <3

Mary's party!

Football

Winterball

Taylor Swift

No Pants Thursday

Penn.

Palm Springs

Happy birthday Kaitlyn!

Panoramic 

MORP